The Untold Story of Zane Truesdale: Year 1
by spazzo-sama
Summary: Zane knew life at Duel Academy was going to be difficult. He just didn't know how difficult... join Zane as he tries to survive his first year at DA with a psycho neighbor, Crazy Frog music, and other random oddities!
1. Welcome to Duel Academy!

I'm the wonderful JJ! Well, this is my premiere story upon dramatic music

Eheh…anyway, welcome to the ramblings of my teeny tiny brain! This is my first evah story, so review when you're done reading and tell me what you think!

Disclaimer: I own my knee length rainbow striped toe socks. Not much else.

--- 

Jaden walks out on stage, holding a script

Why do I have to do this again? Okay, okay, I'll introduce the chapter! Ahem… Chapter 1: Welcome to Duel Academy 

Okay, that is just lameo, I mean—

JADEN! NARRATE!

Okay, okay…

As Zane Truesdale sat in the bus that would take him…wherever it was they were going, he was contemplating many things. Things like life, liberty, and the idiots in the row ahead of him.

"I mean, it was like, totally awesome dude!"

"Yeah, I know what you mean, man, it's just so totally, like, awesome!" Zane groaned. The idiots—who shall remain nameless due to the authoress being lazy—were probably being aided in their stupidity by the large cooler of Mountain Dew in front of them. Mountain Dew, as we all know, is that wonderful, sickeningly sweet, more-caffeine-and-sugar-than-anything-else, soda.

For the tenth time in an hour, Zane kicked the seat in front of him.

"Would you please SHUT UP ALREADY!" he bellowed, body-slamming the seat for good measure. The idiot in said sear turned around and stared, for a long, long time. Before saying what was probably the most intelligent sentence in the history of mankind.

"Dude…it's a tall guy. With blue hair," said Idiot #1, intelligently.

"Thank you Captain Obvious." Zane muttered.

"Who's Captain Obvious?" asked Idiot #2.

Zane sighed. This was going to be a long, long ride. So he decided to stare out the window and contemplate the series of not-so-fortunate events that had led him to this wondrous moment in life.

oO

"And now…a flashback!" your authoress cackled maniacally.

oO

Ever since he was a cute little chibi…thing, Zane had always known that dueling was what he wanted to do. So, of course, that was what his life had a tendency of revolving around. So, of course, he just had to apply for Duel Academy. So, there he sat, taking the written exam, and the only thought in his head was,

"Is Seto Kaiba on crack?"

**Duel Academy Entrance Exam Written Exam**

1. What is your name?

2. What is your favorite color?

3. What is Seto Kaiba's favorite monster?

4. Who is Yugi Moto?

5. How do you form the Blue-Eyes Ultimate Dragon?

6. What is your favorite monster and why?

7. What does Pot of Greed do?

8. Who created Duel Monsters?

9. Who da man?

10. Why does Joey Wheeler suck?

Those were just the first ten questions. And the rest of the test didn't get any better. The last question was what really caused him to bang his head against the desk:

101. What number question is this?

Needless to say, he passed with flying colors.

The proctor duel wasn't much better. The proctor was purple haired with a mohawk and goatee. And a really, really bad French accent. Apparently, the only French the guy knew was "L'avion! Ou est la bain?" which Zane, sweat dropping, translated to "The airplane! Where is the bathtub?" The duel proctor also came armed with a deck devoted entirely to sheep.

Needless to say, he won.

oO

"Now…back to the story!" Your magnificent authoress cackled. Sam then appeared from nowhere and whacked her over the head with a frying pan.

"Er…sorry about that folks."

oO

Zane nearly cried in happiness as the bus stopped at…wherever it is they were. He wasted no time in seizing his luggage and fleeing the bus, only to realize where he was. Which was…somewhere. Presumably in Japan. Hopefully in Japan. So, therefore, they were at an airfield in what was hopefully Japan. A crowd of teenagers in red, yellow, and blue were filing onto several very large helicopters. "Well, it could be worse." Zane mused to himself. "The helicopters could be piloted by a n00b and have venomous snakes in their oxygen system which the mafia put there will the intention of assassinating us all."

Ten minutes later, he realized that he had a bittersweet relationship with karma. And this was one of the bitter moments.

"Ah, Mr. Truesdale, welcome to Duel Academy! My name is Mrs. Terada, and I will be your—did you get the snake infested helicopter?"

"Possibly." Zane hissed through clenched teeth. He looked, for the most part, like he had been through a wind tunnel, with his hair sticking up at odd angles and his weird trench coat blazer thing rumpled and messy. Mrs. Terada sighed sympathetically.

"The mafia does this every year. They're still convinced we're secretly transporting federally protected witnesses for some odd reason. Hopefully they don't start attacking the buses…" her voice trailed off. "Well, as I was originally saying, my name is Mrs. Terada and I will be your guidance counselor this year," she finally finished. "Here's your standard issue PDA…thing," she said, handing him the standard issue PDA thing. "There's a map of the campus on it, in case you get lost. We installed that after the tenth student went missing last year. Oh, and here's your orientation packet. Make sure that you read it, there's some important information in there. Have a nice day!" As he left the counselor's office, Zane silently prayed to whatever gods were watching.

_Cut me a break, will you guys?_

I'm sorry to say that the god that was watching wasn't really a god at all.

oO

"MWAHAHAHAHA! I control your universe, Zane! You're at my mercy now!"

oO

Unfortunately, things didn't get much better. Thankfully, though, the Obelisk Blue dorms were large enough that he was able to have his own room. Which was most probably a good thing, since the other members of Obelisk Blue weren't exactly the most…normal human beings. Zane swore that he heard Crazy Frog music coming from his next-door neighbor's dorm. His suspicions were quickly verified when whomever it was next to him started singing in a very loud, off-key voice that sounded more like cats congregating on a backyard fence than anything else. So during the time that he had before the Obelisk Blue welcoming party, Zane tried to invent the new and improved version of the bazooka, capable of shutting up your obnoxious neighbor once and for all.

Now, because the demented authoress wishes it, we shall now skip forward in time a couple of hours to the Obelisk Blue welcoming party! Yes, I know that this is technically impossible, but—GAH! Okay, okay, I'll narrate!

"We've got, like, a really big mansion!"

"Ours has like, 50 rooms!"

"Yeah, well, mine has like, 150!"

"So what? We own, like, four houses!"

"Hah! My parents just bought me a pony for my birthday! They imported it from Asia!" Zane seriously doubted that the girl who had made this comment had any idea where the continent of Asia was. He was still trying to get over his shock that the group could count over three. "It came from, like, England!" Yes, his suspicions appeared to be correct. Bored with their incessant yammering, he calmly cut into the discussion.

"Excuse me, but do any of you know which continent Japan is considered a part of?"

Utter silence.

"Hey, uh, dude, could you, like, not interrupt? We're like, talking, man."

"Well then, enjoy yourselves. And please, tell your maternal and paternal units to devote their finances to something other than your advancement within the ranks of sub-human chimpanzees."

Once again, there was complete and utter silence, before the entire dining hall collapsed with screams of "Big words! They BURN!"

Zane, too utterly disturbed with this recent turn of events, simply stared at the scene of mental carnage. Finally bored with watching the idiots writhe in spiritual pain, he turned and went back to his dinner, which really was quite delicious. Unfortunately, he didn't realize the impending danger he was in until it was far too late. As he ate, the other inhabitants of the dining hall composed themselves one by one, and turned to face Zane. Who was still calmly eating his steak. Too bad he would never make it to the dessert course, which was chocolate decadence. Yumm…

Poor, poor Zane looked up and realized that he sat in the middle of a crowd of developmentally challenged teenagers. Who weren't too happy with him. "He uses big words!" some random developmentally challenged teenager called out.

"Get him!" cried another.

"Oh bugger." (Actually, the precise wording of Zane's statement really can't be used in a K+ fic. Sorry.)

Any member of the Ra Yellow dorms, upon looking out of their dorm window, would not see the peaceful nighttime beach scene that they were accustomed to seeing. Instead, they would see one lone form, running screaming down the beach, an angry mob of pitchfork and torch wielding Obelisk Blue students in hot pursuit. (Coincidentally, this was also happening on a remote beach somewhere in the Caribbean—only the chasers were cannibalistic natives and the chasee was a socially inept pirate) Actually, a couple of Ra girls did see Zane as he ran screaming form the beach. "Hey, Alice, some moron must have used big words in the Obelisk dining hall again!"

"Ooh, finally! D'you have any popcorn on you Lisa?"

Did they spare a single thought for poor Zane and his possible grisly end at the hands of an angry mob? No. Zane was definitely on his own.

_Now I know why I should have joined the track team in middle school. _Zane thought as he ran screaming down the beach. He'd never really considered himself to be out of shape, although that currently appeared to be the case. _Maybe I should take a P.E. class at some point in my life, like the rest of those middle school nerds that are forced to take P.E. every day for three years in a row! _Zane stopped short, for he had come across the metaphorical wall that we will all come across at some point in our miserable lives. Only this metaphorical wall wasn't metaphorical. And neither was it a wall. There before him rose a real, solid, fifty-foot cliff. Incidentally, this cliff was one of those cliffs that are impossible to climb due to it being a solid block of ice. Don't ask.

This cliff was also the perfect cliff to go plunging off of while drunk—or on a really bad sugar high—into the sea below. As Zane spun around to face the oncoming mob, Idiot #1 went sprinting off said cliff, branches duct taped to his arms, yelling, "Red Bull gives you wiiiiiings!"

Meanwhile, his counterpart, Idiot #2, shouted after him, "Rodney! Rodney! Are you okay?" Receiving no response, he screamed to the night, "NOO! WHY MUST THE GOOD DIE YOUNG?" before slipping off the cliff and plummeting to the ocean himself. Of course, Zane was too busy being occupied with his own problems to give them much thought.

So now we return to our poor, innocent protagonist, who is currently being hunted down by a mob of teenagers with sub-human intellect. Of course, Zane was an intelligent human being, and could most probably find an excellent solution to his little—okay, rather large—problem. The only problem was that, other than whipping out glacier-climbing equipment out of nowhere, there wasn't one. So what did he do? He closed his eyes and hoped that the end would come swiftly. So the angry mob advanced…well, angrily upon poor Zane. And just when things were looking bad for our hero—

"Take that you sub-human morons! And that! And THAT!" Zane hesitantly cracked open one eye to find that salvation had arrived in the form of a brunette, fire extinguisher wielding, Obelisk Blue maniac. Who looked to be thoroughly enjoying himself as he sprayed random people with extinguisher foam. Wincing, Zane watched the brunette maniac whack unsuspecting Obelisk Blue idiots over the head with an empty fire extinguisher can. The mob fled, with the exception of a few particularly stupid specimens who stayed behind to be whacked with the extinguisher can.

"So, you're the poor sap they ganged up on this year?" Zane blinked. The homicidal maniac stood in front of him with a goofy grin on his face.

"That's an interesting way of saying hello." Zane remarked, raising an eyebrow.

"Sorry, I've done that four times today. Well, anyway, I'm Atticus Rhodes, first year and all that jazz."

"Zane Truesdale. I'm in first year as well. And yes, I am apparently the poor sap they ganged up on. Though I'm not really sure why." Atticus looked at him, puzzled.

"You didn't read the warning?"

"What warning?" Groaning, Atticus pulled his orientation packet out of nowhere, flipped the pages, and handed it to Zane. There, at the top of the page, in bold red letters, were the words:

**All members of the Obelisk Blue dorms are highly advised against using big words in the dining hall, as this will result in an angry mob. However, there's always one poor sap that forgets to read his orientation packet, so this usually happens anyway. Thank you and have a nice day.**

Zane looked up.

"Oh, great, that's just how I wanted to be remembered. The poor sap that forgot to read his orientation packet. Oh, well, what's done is done. Classes start tomorrow, so I'd better get to bed. I would like to be conscious for them." Atticus grinned.

"Eh, I'll go back with you. I think I left my radio on again, anyway. I don't need too many complaints about my music choices this early in the year." Both boys turned to go, when a loudspeaker came on with a squeal.

**HELLO? IS THIS THING ON? OH, YES, IT IS. THE RED LIGHT IS FLASHING, THAT'S HOW I KNOW! OH, FORGET THIS, JUST START THE BROADCAST ALREADY!**

Zane and Atticus looked at each other, blinking. A second voice came on the loudspeaker.

**HELLO BOYS AND GIRLS, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER WONDERFUL YEAR AT DUEL ACADEMY. THIS IS A WONDERFUL PLACE TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS, SO I WANT YOU TO TURN TO THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU AND GIVE HIM OR HER A NICE BIG HUG.**

Zane scooted a little farther away from Atticus. "Okay, this is starting to scare me. Badly."

"I'm definitely not hugging you."

**HUG…HUG…**

"NEVER!" both screamed, shuddering in inner torment.

**THEN FACE THE WRATH OF…THE NINJA ARMY OF HAPPINESS!**

Right after the loudspeaker made its little announcement, a rainbow colored fork slanned into the cliff between them. Atticus spun around, brandishing the fire extinguisher threateningly. Facing them was a ninja army of nine members, each brandishing some sharp and pointy looking kitchen utensil.

"I'm Red!"

"Yellow!"

"Orange!"

"Green!"

"Blue!"

"Purple!"

"Brown!"

"Black!"

"And I'm…PUCE!"

"And together, we are…"

"THE NINJA ARMY OF HAPPINESS!"

Zane snorted. Atticus took the more obvious approach and simply fell over, laughing hysterically. A spoon buried itself in the dirt next to his ear.

"Charge, fellow ninja comrades of happiness!" yelled the read ninja.

"Atticus, I think we might want to run now…"

"Agreed."

And this was how the two ended up fleeing back down the length of the beach, fire extinguisher in tow, pursued by a band of crazy, drug addicted ninjas. And it was only day one of the school year,

--- 

Zane: Uhh…sweatdrops

Atticus: Hey mom! I'm on TV!

JJ: You aren't on TV, Atticus. Uh, hello, loyal readers. Please review and tell me what I can do to make this story better! And funnier! So press the button! Press it I say!

Zane: JJ, do you need your morphine already?

JJ: Of course not!

Jaden: Do you always abuse your narrator?

JJ: Maybe…but, if it makes you feel better, Chazz is narrating the next chapter!

Chazz: WHAT? I didn't agree to this!

JJ: I know! But guess what… TOO BAD!


	2. The Misunderstood Genius!

Okay, first off, thank you to my reviewers!

Beautyheart18 – Thank you! Thank you! I'm glad that it was funny! I'm still working on the humor. As you requested, here's the update!

princess.krissi – Yes, Krissikins, I am on a form of crack. It's called Pixie Stix. So HA!

Ryouluver03 – Thanks! I'm flattered!

Teh Crazy Bizarro Arineko – Uh…here's your update…

PurificationArrow – Hmm…he is a bit ooc. Well, scary mean Zane is a bit hard to do in a humor fic, so ooc he shall remain!

Sangorulz – No problemo! She'll arrive in chappie numero three!

crystal truesdale – Aha! A flamer in disguise! Honestly!

Sorry I couldn't reply to all of you…there's just not enough time in the day!

On another note…did anyone catch the two movie references in the last chappie? The first one with both gets a Zane plushie! Or an Atticus plushie, whichever you prefer.

JJ: And now, our narrator this chappie is…Chazz! Give him a warm welcome everybody!

Chazz: I NEVER AGREED TO THIS! WHERE'S MY LAWYER?

JJ: Too bad! I'm the authoress, and what I say goes! Now start narrating mister!

Disclaimer: If I owned YuGiOh GX, than it would be filled with armies of bunnies and Dr. Crowler would be sacrificed to the bunny gods every episode. And Heidi would come and wreak havoc. Sigh…a girl can dream, can't she?

---

(Chazz is forcibly thrown onstage, a script and a microphone following soon after.)

Oh great, now I have to introduce the next chapter to a story that doesn't even have me in it! What kind of sick world is this! EYOWCH! GOD! JJ! PUT AWAY THE DART GUN! Alright, already…

**Chapter 2: The Misunderstood Genius**

WHAT! What kind of chapter title is that? GAAH! NO! NO BAZOOKA! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT BAZOOKA! ZANE, WHY DID YOU GIVE HER THAT BAZOOKA!

oO

Um…the story should be starting any moment now…sorry folks. Our narrator hasn't taken his pills yet. But, on another, happier note, Heidi's playing on channel 10 right now!

oO

WHAT PILLS! I DON'T TAKE PILLS!NOO! NOT THE BAZOOKA! I'LL BE GOOD!

Okay, now that that's over with…

"Card basics 101? What are they supposed to teach us there? The difference between the colors brown, purple and green?" Zane muttered to himself as he tried to find his way to his first class of the day. Okay, who put that stupid rhyme in here! Ahem…Atticus certainly wouldn't be able to help him in his endeavor, seeing as Zane had found him unconscious in the hallway, covered in footprints. Deciding not to get involved, Zane had left them. Which was a _very_ good thing, as he would find out in the next chapter.

As he rounded the corner, he slammed headlong into—well, he wasn't quite sure what it was. He'd gotten a face full of what felt suspiciously like tinfoil. When he'd peeled it off his face, he saw that it looked to be the remains of a…tinfoil hat? He un-crushed it, and saw that it was, in fact, a crude tinfoil hat. Before he could get the chance to closely examine it, it was snatched away by a thin hand. He looked up and saw a Ra Yellow girl picking herself up off of the floor, cramming the hat back on over her blond hair. Books were scattered everywhere, which, Zane noticed, were all covered in matching silver tinfoil. Even her book bag had its own coat of tinfoil. Bending, he picked up a few of the books that hand landed close to him and handed them back to her. She started violently, screeched, and dove for her bag. Bemused, Zane watched her fumble frantically with something in her bag. She stood, holding a wad of tinfoil, which proved to be yet another hat after she smushed it down over his seaweed colored hair.

"Okay then!" the girl exclaimed happily. "Are you a typical Obelisk Blue student who's out to kidnap me and hold be for ransom in the nearest supply closet?" _Now _Zane was disturbed. He wouldn't be surprised if this girl was short a few marbles.

"Umm…no. Not really." The girl's face lit up and she smiled happily.

"Oh good! Hello! My name's Julia Johnson! What's your name?" Yep, she was definitely short a few marbles. Zane reached up and yanked the tinfoil contraption off of his head, holding it out.

"Zane Truesdale. I believe this is yours." Julia blushed and grabbed the tinfoil, stuffing it back into her bag.

"Sorry about that. I get a little paranoid sometimes."

_That's an understatement._ Zane thought.

"Ah, well, I'll um, see you in class!" she squeaked, hurrying off.

_A little paranoid?_

"LOOK! THE SMART GUY! LET'S GET HIM!"

"Not again!"

Zane darted into the classroom a nanosecond before the bell rang. He'd survived three angry mobs, four deranged fangirls, and one Yorkie-Pomeranian named Ellie May. He was definitely not in a good mood. Scanning the room, he spotted Atticus, and, more importantly, the empty seat next to him. Cursing under his breath, he sprinted up the stairs and sat down just as Dr. Crowler made his customary dramatic entrance into the room.

Trenchcoat and pink ruffles waving in the breeze created by specially positioned fans, Crowler strode dramatically to the front of the room. The entire class simultaneously rolled their eyes. "Good morning class." Crowler said. Zane winced. What was with his/her/its voice anyway? It sounded like nails on a chalkboard. "Today, we will be having a short pop quiz, so please—" he was cut off by a high-pitched scream. All heads turned to the source of the noise, which was Julia over in the Ra Yellow section. Still screaming, she dove under her desk. The entire row shook for a minute as Julia did…something, then stilled. Julia reappeared, clothed in a bizarre tinfoil suit to complement her hat. She appeared to be—pitching a tent? Zane stared. Yes! She was putting up a tent! A tinfoil tent, to be precise.

"What on earth is wrong with her?" Zane muttered to Atticus.

"Her? Oh, that's Julia Johnson. She's pretty famous around the academy. She's the fraternal twin sister to the only deranged maniac that Duel Academy's ever accepted! She's a bit of a nutter herself. Paranoid. Thinks she's being monitored by—get this!—underground fairy surveillance teams! That's why she constantly wears that tinfoil hat—to keep them from reading her mind. Apparently, she puts that tent up before every test. Thinks the fairies'll peek at her test answers," he said, grinning.

"How on earth do you know so much?" Zane asked, bewildered. Atticus waved a hand around in the air.

"I have connections," he said airily, hand still flapping around. Zane decided not to ask.

A packet of papers hit Zane squarely in the face. For the second time that day, he peeled it off of his face. "You may begin!" Crowler proclaimed dramatically. "And if I see Mrs. Crowler or Mr. Crowler or Ms. Crowler on the top of the test I will fail you!" Zane looked down at the packet of papers, expecting another one-hundred-and-one question test like the one that he'd taken in the entrance exam. His jaw dropped.

"Uh, Dr. Crowler—" Crowler cut him off.

"No talking during a test!"

"But you—"

"Silence!"

"Excuse me, but—"

"WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

"You gave me a children's coloring book!

"SI—what?" Zane groaned. Honestly, what was wrong with these people?

"I said," he repeated patiently, "that you gave me a children's coloring book instead of a test! Can I have the actual test please?" Crowler flushed, and then flung another sheet of paper. This one also hit Zane in the face. Grumbling, he peeled it off. _Finally, now I can get to—_he'd just noticed what the test entailed—_color matching?_

For that was what the test was. Let's take a look, shall we?

Card Basics 101

Match the card type below to its color:

MonsterGreen

MagicBrown

TrapPurple

Zane glanced over at Atticus. His pencil was behind his ear, and he was…frowning and scratching his head? _Is he actually having trouble with this? What kind of world have I crash-landed in?_

Zane silently banged his head on the desk. What had he gotten himself into? Sure, the place was nice and all, but…first of all, the staff were—well, deranged. As were many of the students. He'd been tackleglomped once already—by the lunch lady no less!—and had no desire to repeat the experience. What the—EW! DOROTHY _TACKLEGLOMPED_ YOU? EW! NASTY! GROSS! THAT'S JUST WRONG! I'M NEVER SETTING FOOT IN THE LUNCHROOM AGAIN! AND—NOO! NOT THE DARTS! I'LL BE GOOD!

oO

I'm really sorry about that! I don't know what's gotten into Chazz lately! Now back to the—oh, hi Zane! No, I'm not taking your life story and twisting it around to fit my own sick and twisted means! That's just cruel! No, really!

oO

Yes! Go Zane! Kill her! Oh, hi. I wasn't doing anything! Nope! Not me!

No, Duel Academy was not shaping itself up like he's hoped that it would. No, it was a whole lot weirder that he'd thought it would be.

---

JJ: Welp, there's chappie two, up and ready! Sorry that it isn't longer. I'm going to the beach for a few days, so I won't have a computer with me to update. So I promise that the next chapter will be much longer!

Chazz: That was awful!

JJ: Shut up you. You're off the hook next chapter. Bastion's doing that one! Yay!

Bastion: sighs

JJ: See you next time, everyone!


	3. IWALORILTHABIT

Waugh! I'm so, so sorry that this update took so long! School just started, and I'm already overloaded with piles and piles and piles of homework! So, in punishment I'm going to reply to ALL of your lovely reviews. Even the ones that I would prefer to forget. Oh, before I forget - I'M SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY!

**SadomasochisticBloodLust** – Nice name. Erm…(hides flamethrower)

**Teh Crazy Bizarro Arineko** – Squee! And no, I didn't mean pop culture, I meant movie.

**Ryouluver03** – I'm glad you think so!

**PurificationArrow** – Yep…

**Mina the Mischevious** – I've read that! I'm a great fan of Shrilanka-san and her work!

**Ninja Wolf 25** – Yep, the tinfoil hat was from Artemis Fowl. But Julia is based off o' one of _mes amies_.

**dinkle-bee** – Yay! You like it!

**yamitenshikagome** – Whoo! Your penname is hard to spell! Yep, Bastion makes an appearance this chappie! Thanks as well!

**crystal truesdale** – What the…okay, let me get one thing straight. Or two things. First, this is not a romance fic. And I will not put you into it unless you are a good friend of mine or you review a LOT. And no spam!

**cheerleader101** – I'll treat your PM as a review. Thanks, but Zane doesn't get to date anybody.

**Wolf-blades-wings** – Thank you!

**haruko sohma** – A Furuba fan! Hmm…who is Pete anyway?

**lakotalover** – (whistles innocently) What's that? Don't torture Bastion? Oops.

**Rose Kitsune.EXE** – Is it just me, or do you like Megaman.EXE?

JJ: Phew! All…(counts)…14 reviews have been replied to! A new record in JJ-land! Squee! Okay, Bastion, your turn!

Bastion: …hide me…

JJ: Get out there!

Chazz: HEELP!

JJ: Aaah! A disembodied voice from nowhere!

Chazz: You locked me in the closet, remember?

JJ: Oh yeah!

Bastion: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

---

(Bastion is punted onstage)

Oww! That hurt! grumbles Hmph. Here's the chapter titile.

**Chapter Three: In Which A Lot Of Really Illogical Things Happen, And Bastion Is Tortured (IWALORILTHABIT)**

Huh? Wait a sec—ow! Okay, okay!

And now, we move on to lunchtime, skipping one class and Atticus' one-man production of Swan Lake.

JJ, this is completely and utterly illogical! You can't just skip though time!

oO

Bastion, if I cared about such things, I might actually be listening to you. NARRATE!

oO

Hmph. Fine.

By the time lunch rolled around, Zane figured that, well, he'd probably been scarred for life. In the middle of Fusion 101, Atticus had decided that he was in drama class. He had also decided, on a spur of the moment basis that he was putting on a production of Swan Lake. So put on a production of Swan Lake he did.

The teacher of this particular class was a man about the size and shape of Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys/Grounds/Dangerous Things of Hogwarts School of Deranged Magical Maniacs. Coincidentally, said Hagrid-sized teacher asked his students to call him Mr. Hagrid. Apart from being utterly hilarious, his real last name was probably one of the most difficult to spell/pronounce. His real last name, which the authoress _still _hasn't been able to decipher, was something along the lines of Zwinkleberrytoadstoolmynameisbob.

JJ is currently being tested for ADHD. We appreciate your patience.

So, instead of having everyone attempt to pronounce his ridiculously long name, he was dubbed Mr. Hagrid, probably by some Harry Potter junkie. Unfortunately, Mr. Hagrid deeply loathed ballet. Especially Swan Lake. So the one coherent thought in his mind, other than _AUGH! IT BURNS! _was _DEATH TO THE RHODES KID! _Which did not bode well for Atticus at all. Zane winced and closed his eyes as Mr. Hagrid stalked menacingly up to Atticus, preparing himself for the ensuing bloodbath. A high, girlish scream caused him to crack open his eyes apprehensively. What he saw was about as far from a bloodbath as one could possibly get. But it was still really weird.

Mr. Hagrid was frantically attempting to stuff his entire body underneath his desk. Atticus was holding out his secret weapon: a pink meepit plushie. It was about three inches tall, and Mr. Hagrid freaked like an elephant freaks when it sees a mouse. Currently, Atticus was deep in conversation with said plushie.

"So, Gladys, what shall we do with him? Oh, so you want to get to know him better? Okay then!" Atticus cheerfully flung the tiny plushie across the room. It landed next to Mr. Hagrid, who whimpered and continued trying to wedge himself under his desk.

JJ, exactly what have you done with Zane's childhood?

oO

Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Even if I had, that's none of your beeswax Bastion! Now go back to the present and NARRATE! NARRATE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

oO

Fine. But you'd better have some chocolate for me when this chapter's over.

Since Atticus' presentation has been deemed too scarring for a K+ fanfiction, we'll just have to skip it for now.

Zane had gotten his lunch from the dining hall and then left _very_ quickly. One can only imagine why. Sarcasm aside, it was actually a very nice day out. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and…was that Atticus being pursued by a Ra Yellow armed with a steak knife? No of course not, Zane decided. It was just a mirage, he decided. Just a mirage, brought on by a lack of sleep and a horrible Swan Lake performance. A very painful mirage, he decided. Very noisy too.

"Hey! Ow! Lemme alone!"

"Never, Obelisk scum! No Obelisk goes near meh little sister and gets away with it! No, scratch that, no specimens of the male species are allowed ANYWHERE near her! Except maybe for Dustin. But that's only because he's really, really, really, really, really, really hot!" Hmm. Mirage Atticus was being threatened by a mirage girl with a mirage steak knife. Mirage girl was mad at mirage Atticus for going near her mirage sister. But who exactly was mirage Dustin?

"It must be Thursday," Zane muttered, shaking his head. "I never could get the hang of Thursdays." Mirage Atticus noticed him for the first time.

"Actually, it's Monday. What universe are you living in?"

"One where the universe is destroyed by a Vogon constructor fleet to make way for a hyperspace expressway." Mirage Atticus looked at him blankly.

"Umm…Zane?"

"What? Haven't you read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?"

"No."

"Well who cares, you're just a mirage anyway."

"Zane? Are you sick or something?"

"No. You're just a mirage brought on by four hours of sleep due to a ninja army and Atticus' horrible dancing. So go away." Atticus frowned.

"I should be offended right now. That's strange—AUGH! HOLY $#! Keep that thing away from me! What is your problem?"

"Stop ignoring me! Who the heck is—GAHK! You're the other Obelisk creepo that I saw Julia talking to! DIE, OBLEISK SCUM!"

_Hmm. Maybe this isn't a mirage. Oh well then, it must be a dream. A very vivid dream. Hmm. Are dreams supposed to hurt this much? _"GAH!" _Nope, I'm not dreaming. That hurt! _Deciding that he'd had enough, Zane took charge of something for the first time that day. Seizing the girl by the shoulders, he pushed her off of him, holding her at arm's length to keep her from doing permanent damage.

"Death to all Obelisks! Death I say!"

"Would you calm down already?"

"Never! All Obelisk scum shall perish before the might that is…KRISTINA JOHNSON, THE N00BINATOR!"

"You do realize that made no sense whatsoever."

"Oh screw that! Just die already!"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?" Zane yelled, seizing her by the collar of her blazer and lifting her up to eye level.

"Gah! Lemme go, you filthy, deranged—you're really quite hot, you know that?" Zane dropped her. Atticus just stared.

"Zane, you do realize that this is the deranged maniac I was telling you about? She loves beating us Obelisks up!"

oO Flashback oO

_Atticus certainly wasn't going to be able to help him in his endeavor, seeing as Zane had found him collapsed in the hallway, covered in footpints._

oO End Flashback oO

"Oh yeah. Now I remember. So this is Julia's sister, huh?" He studied the girl before him. She was a bit taller than Julia, and her hair was redder, but they did look somewhat alike. Currently, though, Kristina was far too busy staring at Zane with hearts in her eyes to notice Atticus pry the steak knife out of her grip and fling it somewhere over his shoulder. A pained scream echoed from that general direction. Atticus began whistling inncocently.

Meanwhile, Zane was watching Kristina go though all of her worldly belongings, crossing out the words **I Love Orlando Bloom** off of everything and replacing it with **Krissi + Zane 4Ever**. Zane sweatdropped Okay, so one minute she wanted to murder him, and the next minute she was starting a Zane Truesdale fanclub? "Hold on one second. Exactly how do you know my name?" Kristina looked up.

"DO NOT QUESTION MY KNOWLEDGE, EXTREMELY HOT AND OH SO SHMEXY MORTAL! YOU ARE DEALING WITH POWERS BEYOND YOUR EXTREMELY HOT, OH SO SHMEXY MORTAL COMPREHENSION MY FRIEND!"

"And the nutjob rambles on." Atticus muttered under his breath.

"WHAT WAS THAT, SEMI-HOT MORTAL UCKY PERSON?"

"Eep. Nothing, nothing." Kristina went back to her little Zane fandom, and Atticus visibly relaxed. "Phew. Thought I was a goner there. She really is nuts!"

"I HEARD THAT!"

"AAH! ZANE, HELP ME!"

"I think I'll stay out of this one." Zane sat down calmly on the grass, watching Atticus run back and forth with a deranged fangirl on his tail. "Well, the only thing I seem to be missing is some popcorn."

A pink gerbil popped up alongside Zane with an Extra-Large bucket of buttery popcorn. Zane dug in, completely missing the gerbil's evil grin. And the fact that it was pink.

oO In the Underground Meepit Base oO

"Agent 14 3/4 has successfully completed the mission parameters. Target has been acquired. Target: Zane Truesdale. COMMENCE THE ATTACK!

oO Duel Academy oO

"WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH THIS SCHOOL?" Zane screamed as he suddenly found himself chased by a squadron of mutant meepits plus the Petpet Lab Ray Kookith, who seemed determined to see what his laser would do to a human. Zane was in no mood to play "How Long Will Zane Stay a Pile of Soot," so he was running for his life.

"Zaney-poo! I'll save you!" Kristina screamed, pulling a tazer out of her pocket and wading through the crowd of meepits (plus one deranged kookith). She then proceeded to use them as rather lumpy footballs, successfully punting four of them into the middle of a picnic lunch set up by four Obelisk Blue girls. Said girls screamed like, well, girls, ran in circles, collided, and collapsed unconscious on top of the meepits. Who then 'meep'-ed, pulled out little Sparkshooters, and began randomly blasting things.

Zane and Kristina stood watching the bizarre massacre. Atticus joined them soon after, rubbing his behind where Kristina had booted it. She prodded him with the tazer.

Ten minutes later, a spaceship landed on the grass behind them. The ramp slid down. "Hi there!" an overly perky Asian girl in jedi robes chirped. "I'm Connie-Wan Kenobi, your guide to the afterlife!"

"I'm not dead. Or dying." Zane said flatly. Connie-Wan Kenobi frowned.

"Oh loofa!" she said, looking at a clipboard that had somehow materialized in her hand. "I got the wrong person again! Excuse me for a moment, will you?" She marched off, returning dragging a kicking, screaming boy along behind her.

"BUT I'M NOT DEAD YET!"

"There goes James." Kristina commented as the ship rose into the sky.

There. I'm done. Give me my chocolate.

---

Okay, for those of you who don't know what meepits are, they're little pink gerbils that some Neopians believe are trying to take over Neopia. Barring that, they're incredibly cute. A Kookith looks kind of like a squishy tissue box.

JJ: Well, Bastion, that wasn't so bad, now was it! Snerk…JAMES HAS A HAT IN HIS HEAD! Eheh...you wouldn't get it. Unless you're in fourth period French 2 in OMS.

Bastion: It could have been worse. I still think you should tell Zane about this little project of yours.

JJ: Oh, piffle! He can wait. Anyway, to all you wonderful fans out there, I may be putting out a new story sometime next week. Or the week after that. This story'll be updated next Saturday!

Chazz: I WANT OUTTA HERE!

Next Time, On The Untold Story of Zane Truesdale: Year One –

_Who will be our guest narrator? Will Zane ever find out about this story? Did JJ pay the meepits to attack him? What happened to James? Will Chazz ever get let out of the closet? Tune in next week to find out!  
_


	4. The Chapter of Time Traveling

Yaay! Yaaay! YAAAAAY! (congas)

In case you're all wondering why I'm congaing, it's because I felt like it. So there!

Here's the update-ly review replies!

**apatheticfire **– KAYLA! HI! You of all people should know where that came from! And Rodney was an ACCIDENT! AN ACCIDENT! (hyperventilates) Yes, Julia is based off of Julia. And you are based off of yourself. And so on and so forth. And stop breaking that statue! What did it ever do to you? No, Connie doesn't have an account. She's just in here for the heck of it. And James gets tortured more in this chapter! W00tness!

**haruko sohma **– Yay! You likey! And I think I scared you!

**Wolf-blades-wings **– (flings Zane plushie)

**crystal truesdale **– Um, I can't read what you just wrote. I don't speak that infernal moon language. (burns chatspeak)

**lakotalover** – (huggles) Yay!

**cheerleader101 **– (tackleglomps) LAUGH! LAUGH! And yes, I do play neopets. My username is blizzardfaery, for those who are wondering.

**Rose Kitsune.EXE **– Sorry, the narrator this chappie isn't Atticus. You'll just have to see…plus, I'm trying to update a little early!

**Sangorulz **– Uhm, that's not quite what I was going for. Kristina is completely psycho. But the new girl…is beyond completely psycho.

**Extric** – Hello! A new reviewer! HAPPINESS!

**SadomasochisticBloodLust **– Kayla (apatheticfire) really likes your name! There's nothing wrong with it, it just took me about five minutes to spell it correctly!

JJ: Welp, another chappie, and this time, our narrator is…ALEXIS!

Alexis: Hiya! JJ, if you throw me in that closet at the end of the chapter, I'll…do something!

Chazz: Let me out of here!

Bastion: Oh be quiet. At least she locked us in here with board games! HELP ALEXIS! HELP!

JJ: (whistles) Umm, moving on, here's this week's chapter o' SC4R33 D00M!

Alexis: JJ, stop talking like a n00b.

---

Lessee here, Chapter 4. This needs a cool name. Let's see… how about…

**Chapter Four: The Chapter of Time Traveling**

That's good enough! Okay, chapter starting…NOW!

The morning after the bizarre meepit massacre, Zane staggered sleepily into Card Basics 101. Atticus has somehow stayed up until 4 AM playing his stupid Crazy Frog CD. After the forty-sixth rendition of "Who Let the Frog Out?" and the fifty-seventh rendition of "Axel F", Zane was just about ready to march next door, kill Atticus, dig up his body, clone him, and then kill all his clones. Instead, Kristina had burst through the window, tazer in hand, and proceeded to beat the crud out of Atticus. The dorm was much quieter after that.

Good god…how did my brother ever get into Obelisk Blue anyways? To him, everything is showbiz. Feh…loser.

Anyway…Zane staggered sleepily into Card Basics 101. I think I've said that line before. Strange. Anyway, Zane staggered into class, yadayadayada, and slumped into his chair. "Hi!" said Connie.

"GAH!" yelled Zane, jumping straight up in his chair. "Where did you come from? Do you even go to this school?"

"I've been here the whole time. Unfortunately, JJ has seen fit to write me out of all of the scenes before the one last chapter. I'm not quite sure what she was thinking there, but oh well! James is here too. He's still recovering from the "hat in head" incident." She replied. Sure enough, James was a few seats over, slamming his head repeatedly on the desk in front of him, muttering,

"Il a mis son chapeau sur sa tête. Il a mis son chapeau sur sa tête. Il a mis son chapeau sur…"

"He's in French." Connie said helpfully.

"This may seem odd, but I do have to ask: where the heck did you get that spaceship?" Zane asked.

"Hmm? Oh, that? It belonged to some guy named Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged. One of the Universe's very small number of immoral beings. He had his immortality inadvertently thrust upon him by an unfortunate accident with an irrational particle accelerator, a liquid lunch and a pair of rubber bands. I'm not quite sure what happened to him. I had fun flying the ship over Europe. Beamed up a couple of cows on the way." she said all of this extremely rapidly.

"Wha—?" Zane began.

"Don't ask."

Class started normally enough. Dr. Crowler made his (her? its?) dramatic entrance, the class rolled their collective eyes, and so on and so forth. This lasted about five minutes. And then all hell broke loose.

"Zaney-poo!" Kristina yelled, tackleglomping him.

"Help…me…"

"Wanna go steady? Will you marry me? Can I have your shirt? Do you wear eyeliner? Do you know Mr. Twinkletoes? Who the heck is she? What is _the_ answer? Do you know that I know that you think that I know that you're secretly…a lemon?"

"No, ew no, no, heck no, I hope not—"

"I'm Connie." said Connie.

"—forty-two, and…could you repeat that please?"

"Do you know that I know that you think that I know that you're secretly…a lemon?"

"I have absolutely no idea."

"Ms. Johnson! Get back to your seat!" Crowler shrieked.

"Okay!" she chirped and skipped off happily, pausing to dent Atticus' skull with an aluminum baseball bat.

"Ow." Said Atticus weakly.

"Attention class!" Crowler yelled in a futile attempt to control the class. "We're getting two new students in today! I would like to introduce them to you, but if Ms. Johnson keeps prodding Mr. Rhodes with that tazer I won't be able to." Everyone quieted down. Kristina prodded Atticus silently with the tazer. "You may come in now girls. Class, I would like you to welcome Samantha Smith and Kayla Harding."

Samantha, henceforth known as Sammi, was around Julia's height with short blond hair. Kayla was much shorter, with much longer hair, and…_are those pointed nails?_ Zane wondered. Well, they looked normal enough. So did Kristina. Or Julia. Or Atticus for that matter. Around Duel Academy, looking normal didn't necessarily mean that one was, in fact, notmal.

"Um…hi." Sammi mumbled weakly. Kayla rolled her eyes.

"Be a little more assertive Sam! Here, I'll show you!" And with that, she pulled out a flamethrower and torched the front row of desks with it. James had somehow teleported himself up to the front, and so he got torched too, much to everyone's delight.

"Kayla! What did I say about the flamethrower?" Sammi said warningly. Kayla giggled happily as she continued frying James to a bacon-like crisp. This would have been great if his burning flesh actually smelled like bacon, but the fumes were making them all rather nauseous.

"You know." Sammi remarked, "this chloroform stuff is really cool! Thanks Julia!" Kayla was asleep, happily cuddling her flamethrower and other assorted deadly items.

"No problem." Julia said. "I usually keep some on hand to knock Kristina out when she goes nutty. Works like a charm."

Kristina was sitting in the tier of desks above them, happily poking Kayla's head.

"Kristina, stop poking her! She'll wake up!"

Kristina screamed in pain. "She _bit _me!"

"Nevermind." Sammi said.

"Get off me!" Kristina yelped, shaking her index finger in an attempt to detatch Kayla's teeth from it. Kayla had her customary sadistic grin on her face.

BEEP!

"Zane! Ow!" Kristina yelped, continuing to shake her hand as Zane blew an airhorn next to Kayla's ear.

BEEEEEEEEEEP!

Kayla let go, covering her ears. "Good god! Put that thing away!"

BEEBEEBEEP!

"ZANE!"

"Fine, fine. I love this thing." he said, before putting it away.

"Can I get back to my lesson now?" asked Crowler.

Okay, now we move forward in time, blablabla, to the middle of Crowler's lesson. Good god, he is weird. Can you believe he wanted me to sing?

oO

Alexis, stop ranting please! This chappie needs to be narrated sometime in the next century!

oO

Oh yeah. Right.

"Kayla! What the heck is your horse doing in here?" Sammi shrieked.

"How am I supposed to know? I didn't even bring her here!"

"That would be my fault." said Connie. "I beamed her up a while ago. Just a sec, I'll beam her back up."

"Don't bother." said Kristina. "She's eating Crowler's coat. Leave her be."

"GET THIS ANIMAL OFF OF ME!"

Okay, time travel, you know the drill! Lessee…this time we're skipping off to la-la land where bunnies and butterflies roam. Oh, wait. That's next chapter. Oops. Actually, we're going to gym class, where idiot males roam and show off their muscles. Glee.

SQUISH!

Kristina! Off! You don't get to look! Go! Shoo! JJ! Hold open the door so we can lock her in that closet with Chazz and Bastion!

oO

(flings Krisina into closet) We don't need you for the next few paragraphs, so sit in there and play Scrabble or something!

oO

**Things Banned in Locker Rooms**

Girls

Pink Shirts

Camera Phones

Dogs

Rabbits

Meepits

"What the…"

"A bunch of girls snuck in here one time with camera phones. The pictures ended up all over the internet, so they posted that sign." said Atticus.

"Where did you come from?"

"The Land of Oz."

"Right." For some reason, Zane suspected that Kristina was behind the whole camera phone incident.

"Hi class! I'm Fonda Fontaine, your gym teacher for this year! I'm sure that we're all going to have a great time!"

"Shoot me now." Atticus muttered. He looked completely ridiculous in his gym outfit. Then again, so did everyone else.

"She seems nice though." Zane replied.

"Now class, go and run ten laps around the island!"

"I hereby retract my previous statement."

"I think she's trying to kill us all! That took forever." Atticus complained.

"Well, it didn't really help that you went running off in the wrong direction." Zane replied.

"How come the girls don't have to do this?"

"BECAUSE WE'RE SPECIAL!" Kristina squealed happily.

"GAH! Kristina! Out! This is the guys' room! Didn't you read the sign?"

"Nope!"

"Okay, you're starting to scare me."

"Atticus, everything scares you. Kristina, Kayla, nachos—"

"THEY'RE ALIVE, I TELL YOU!"

"—those little toothpicks that come in hamburgers—"

"I bit into one of those once!

"—coconuts, strawberries—"

"They're disgusting!"

"—almonds, techno music, and sixteen ton weights!"

"AND WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?"

"It's creepy!" Kristina shrieked.

"You're one to talk, missy!" Atticus yelled.

"Break it up children." Zane said wearily.

"Can I barbeque you?" Kayla asked, appearing out of nowhere.

"No Kayla!" yelled Sammi, also appearing out of nowhere.

"Here's the chloroform!" said Julia.

"I'm Connie!" said Connie.

"Okay, two things. One, where are you all coming from, and two, HAVE ALL OF YOU FORGOTTEN THAT THIS IS THE GUYS' LOCKER ROOM?"

"I think I'm in pain." said James.

**TH3 B0NU2 23CT10N 0F D00M!**

"You know," said Zane, "where do all of these weapons come from?"

_They come from…the association of weapons of ebil lunatics of the world!_

"Okay…who's there?"

We rule your mind Zane…we rule your mind…" 

"I'm getting seriously creeped out."

_You can't run from us…it's all in your head._

"AAAH!" Zane screamed, and ran from the room.

Behind a conveniently placed bookcase, Atticus was laughing maniacally with a Darth Vader voice changer strapped to his head.

---

Welp! That's the end of that chapter!

JJ: More tea, Alexis?

Alexis: I'd be delighted.

Kristina: HEY! YOU NEED ME IN THE NEXT CHAPTER, REMEMBER!

Bastion: Chazz, your excessive farting will not break the lock and get us out of here. Please remember that.

Next Time, On The Untold Story of Zane Truesdale: Year 1 –

Who will be the next narrator to be thrown into the closet of 2C4R33 D00M? Will Zane ever catch on to what we're doing? Will Connie finally go beserk? Tune in next week to find out!

Remember, Hansel and Gretel :YuGiOh Style! is coming soon!


	5. The Classes of DOOM!

Yayness! Welcome to Chapter 5 of the story of randomness! Yay again! Frankly, I'm surprised that nobody's flamed me yet…

I'm so sorry that this update is so late! I had a bad case of writer's block with the last bit of the chapter. (mimes strangling Kayla)

I took a leaf out of freak.with.a.shoe's book…I'm writing this story in a composition notebook with a blue pen in the middle of French class!

And, as always…my lurvely reviewers!

**cheerleader101** – Oh, he and Connie are in the last scene of chapter three.

**apatheticfire **– Kayla, you have way too much time on your hands. (twitches) Plus, your suggestion made me rewrite the entire second part of this chapter! (strangles) And I had the best Connie quote ever!

**Wolf-blades-wings** – Ooh, really? What's your username?

**Extric **– (tackleglomps)

**Sangorulz** – How'd you get pinkeye? Cool…puce shall reign supreme!

**crystal truesdale** – (twitches) …what did I say about that infernal moon language?

**haruko sohma** – I just realized that I need to put scene breaks in my chapters… they look different in my notebook!

**lakotalover** – I'd hate to meet your friends, since these are mine…

**SadomasochisticBloodLust** – I tried doing that during Video Production… I got some weird looks, lemme tell ya! Oh…KAYLA! He says thanks! There's not much about Zane during his freshman year, so I feel obliged to fill this fic up with deranged OCs.

**Anime Aquamarine** – Oh, it's messed up alright…

**SinOfWrath** – Really? How?

**Karaeborg** – Yaaay! (huggles)

**Anya Urameshi** – Do I sense a fellow Yu Yu Hakusho fan? Hmm…I'll have to see. This story is already ridiculously inundated with OCs, who are pretty much overexaggerated versions of my friends. Thank you for asking in normal words, though! (death glares at certain other reviewer)

Due to reader confusion, here's a list of the current OCs (in order of introduction):

Julia: Paranoid smart person.

Kristina: Deranged sister to said paranoid smart person.

Sammi: Um…well…frankly, I'm not sure what to do with her yet.

Kayla: Beyond completely deranged.

Connie: She thinks she's a jedi…

James: Well, we'll just have to see.

: Mary Sue. Nothing more to say. Gets blown up in this chapter. May somehow resurrect herself in future chapters to be blown up again.

JJ: Well, enjoy the chapter everyone!

Alexis: Don't you think you should let them out of the closet now?

JJ: Nope! Why would I?

Alexis: One, they're suffocating, two, your clothes are in there, and three, your room is starting to smell.

JJ: Oh, I guess it is. Well, nothing some Clorox can't fix!

Alexis: Who's the narrator for this chapter anyway?

JJ: Let's all give a warm welcome to…(dramatic pause)… LAWYERBOT!

Alexis: I'm not even going to ask.

---

**Lawyerbot says:**

**Chapter 5: The Classes of DOOM!**

After the gym class from the beyond, our heroes found themselves facing yet another horror: Art Class! (dramatic music)

"Hey! I didn't sign up for this! What's the big idea?" said Atticus. Kristina whistled innocently and hid a pen behind her back.

"Hello class!" said Mrs. Something-or-Other. "Today, we're going to watch a short video and then we're going to get right to work!" Mrs. Something-or-Other stuck a video into the ancient video player and hit the play button. The ancient video player belched, coughed, spewed soot through the air, and finally exploded in a miniature mushroom cloud. When the dust had cleared…

"Hey kids!" said Barney the Purple Dinosaur. "Let's sing together!"

**SCREECH!**

"Welcome to Blue's Clues!" said the guy in the green striped shirt.

**SCREECH!**

"Boo-baah…" said the little puffy thing. "Boo…bah…boo…bah…"

**SCREECH!**

"Yay! Teletubbies!" yelled some random two-year-old.

**SCREECH!**

"It's…THE WIGGLES!"

"MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE GOD, HAVE MERCY!" James yelled.

"I'm Connie!"

"WE KNOW!"

Lawyerbot says:

The rest of this scene has been censored due to its high content of shows for toddlers. We appreciate your patience.

"I'm so sorry!" said Mrs. Something-or-Other. "I put in the wrong tape by mistake!" Mrs. Something-or-Other stuck another video into the smoking player.

SCREE-BOOM-CRAASH!

"Welcome to Shading For Idiots. Today, we'll learn how to shade. First, prepare your workspace…"

**Lawyerbot says:**

**Yes, yes, I know! But since this video has been deemed far too boring to see the light of day, we're just going to have to skip it. You'll just have to imagine the horrors on your own. So, for your viewing pleasure, here's a scene from _When the Anime People Attack!_**

"Captain!" said the 3-D normal human soldier. "It's not looking good sir!"

"Report, soldier!"

"They've got inhumanly hot guys, magical pixie girls, girly men, and Akito Sohma. Intelligence still hasn't figured out if it's a boy or a girl."

"Which anime is it from?"

"Furuba, sir!"

"I think I've seen that one…Akito is definitely a guy."

"Sir, volume 20 states that Akito is female!"

"No! Akito cannot be female! That would mean that Kyo's been terrorized by a girl!"

"Sir, the book does say—"

"To heck with the book! Akito is a MAN! A man I say!"

"Akito is a WOMAN!"

"MAN!"

"WOMAN!"

"MAN!"

"WOMAN!"

"Sir!" yelled another random soldier.

"Report!"

"They've brought out Zexion sir! He and his shmexy emo-ness are decimating our troops!"

"Oh. Well that sucks. RESTART!"

"Sir! This isn't a video game!"

"…"

"AHH! They've brought out the Final Fantasy characters!" yelled Soldier #1. "Cloud and Leon are here!"

"Well men, it seems the tide of battle is turning against us! We have no choice but to…RESTART!"

"I just said that this isn't a video game!"

"…"

"GIRLY MEN!"

There was a knock on the door.

"AUGH! It's Alice! RUN!"

"My name is ALISTER!"

**Lawyerbot says:**

**And now we return to your regularly scheduled fanfiction.**

The entire class was asleep. Sammi was curled up in her seat. Kristina had fallen asleep halfway through applying her fifty-third coat of lip-gloss. Connie had set up a futon under her desk and collapsed on top of it. James was in his chair, face down on the desk, and head in a whipped cream pie that Kayla had thoughtfully placed there before falling asleep herself. Atticus was stretched across the top of his desk and Zane's. Zane himself had fallen asleep with his head on his arms. Even Mrs. Something-or-Other was snoring gently.

Of course, Kayla, our nocturnal friend who can survive off of only two hours of sleep, was the first one away. She tripped over Kristina while trying to escape, which woke Kristina up. Kristina screamed when she realized that her lip-gloss had dried into an "ucky mess." Her scream woke everyone else up. James let out a muffled yell as he realized that his face was covered in whipped cream. Connie sat up sleepily and smacked her head on the desk. Atticus rolled off the desk and landed with a thump on top of Sammi, who screamed and smacked him with the desktop. Zane woke up, looked around, and was smacked in the face with a flying board. Mrs. Something-or-Other looked up, groaned, stood up, and accidentally hit the video player, which detonated with a force to rival a nuclear bomb.

When the smoke had cleared, Mrs. Something-or-Other was coughing violently. Her hair was singed and her clothes had a faint burnt odor.

"…I think we'll just get to work and skip the formalities."

Lawyerbot says:

We now fast forward to the middle of art class.

Once again, chaos reigned supreme. Kristina was shading in a rather detailed drawing of her tube of lip-gloss. Kayla had found the school clay supply and was making a life-size Youko Kurama statue. Sammi sat next to her, chalking out a picture of a bunny. Julia, on the other hand, was busy drawing "Emo Harry." Zane was bored, so he drew a very, very nice mushroom cloud.

**Lawyerbot says:**

**This was the point when JJ read Kayla's message and had to replace the entire rest of the chapter.**

(insert deranged raving authoress here)

No sooner had Zane and company stepped out into the hall than they were run over by a mob of deranged students. "Run! Run! Get away! She'll get you too!" yelled some random passing student.

"What are they running from, you think?" Sammi commented. They all simultaneously looked to the left, and saw exactly what it was that they should have been running from. It was horrible…it was terrible! It was…

"A MARY SUE!" screamed James.

"OH GOD!" screamed Julia. "Run! Run to the shelter!" She, Kristina, James and Connie took off to the right. Zane blinked and looked at the Mary Sue. She was tall, with short blue hair and shimmering blue eyes. The moment she realized that Zane was looking at her, she squealed happily and skipped over.

"Hi! I'm Crystal! I love you! And you love me too! Will you marry me? I have an IQ of four billion and forty-two! My favorite card is the Red-Eyes Darkness Dragon, which doesn't even exist! Whee!" she babbled, holding Zane in a vice grip.

"Off, vile creature!" screamed Kayla, blasting Crystal with her flamethrower.

"Run!" shouted Sammi, completely unnecessarily. Zane didn't need to be told twice. He ran, Sammi ran, Kayla ran, and Atticus chose that moment to decide that he really needed to fix his hair.

"Come on you idiot!" Zane yelled, dragging Atticus along behind him.

They met up with the other four a ways down the hallway. "What were you doing?" Julia wanted to know. She rolled her eyes at their blank expressions. "Well, come on then! The shelter's this way!" she said.

"Why does this school have a Mary Sue shelter anyway?" Zane asked.

"It's had one ever since The Great Mary Sue Drive." Said Julia.

"What's The Great Mary Sue D—?"

"SHE'S COMING!" screamed James.

"Run now, talk later!" screamed Kristina as the Mary Sue rounded the corner.

"Never mind, let's go!" yelled Zane.

Five minutes later, the eight of them were huddled in a supply closet with a psychotic Mary Sue banging on the door. "What're we going to do?" Sammi screamed, hypeventilating.

"We could be stuck in here for days! ONLY THE STRONG WILL SURVIVE BY EATING THE OTHERS' FLESH!" screamed Connie. Everyone scooted as far away from her as the confines of the closet would allow.

"How're we gonna get her to go away?" Kristina shrieked.

"We'll have to give her one of the guys!" said Kayla.

"I VOTE JAMES!" said Connie.

"What? NO!" yelled James.

"Hey!" said Kristina. "Let's give her this orange cat that just appeared in my lap!"

"NOO!" screamed Kyo. "I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"

"Not Kyo!" yelled Julia. "Furuba will be without the cat!"

"WELL SOMEONE HAS TO GO, AND IT SURE AS HECK AIN'T GONNA BE ME!" yelled James, snatching Kyo from Julia's arms and moving towards the door, stepping on three arms and a leg in the process.

"NO!" screamed Julia, lunging for him, also stepping on the aforementioned arms and leg.

"I vote we go out there and barbeque her!" said Kayla.

There was a sickening crack.

"Hey!" yelled James. "You just broke my arm!"

"He's crippled!" yelled Kristina. "Let's use him as the human sacrifice!"

There was another sickening crack.

"…You just had to break my leg, didn't you?"

"He's even more crippled!" yelled Kristina. "Throw him to the beast!" She hefted him bodily by the back of his uniform collar, and flung him out.

"NOOOOOO!" he screamed. After that…silence.

Julia opened the door cautiously and peeked out. "It's all clear guys! She's gone!" Relieved, they all fell out of the closet in a tangled heap.

"Hmm…" said Sammi. "I wonder where James is?" She looked down.

"Oh. Hi James. What're you doing down there?"

"Yur od by dose."

"Eh?"

"Tur od by dose!"

"Pickles have toes?"

"YUR OD BY DOSE!"

"Whoops! Sorry James, I'm on your nose!"

"…"

Julia looked to the right. "Um…Zane?"

"Yeah?"

"She's brought friends…" Zane looked to the right.

"EVERYBODY RUN!"

---

JJ: Woot! Chapter 5 is complete! Next time, we're off to French Class! Which, scarily enough, is inspired by my own…

Alexis: Okay, where's the stupid air freshener?

JJ: Ew.

You see that little button down there that says review? PUSH IT! PUSH IT!


	6. The Chapter That Exploded

I figured that I'd start off with my reviewers today!****

SadomasochisticBloodLust – Aah! Aah! Don't kill me! Aah! (placates with directions to Shrilanka-san's stories) Sorry! Please don't kill the thirteen year old! (runs off to drool over Sora/Riku) Yes, I know, I'm weird.

**Karaeborg** – Heheh…it's only going to get weirder…

**haruko sohma** – So, do you think that Akito's a guy or a girl?

**Purple-Fairy93** – I don't remember you ever having reviewed before…(hugs) (flings Youko Kurama statue) Careful! Don't get squooshed!

**lakotalover** – Oh, you have not seen rambling until you've seen Kayla's reviews… I HATE PINK! (calms self down with trip to Shrilanka-san's fics)

**crystal truesdale** – I feel disinclined to acquiest your request.

**apatheticfire** – (twitches) Go to the Furuba section and search for any stories with Akito in 'em. Usually they'll say "AU since Akito is a guy" or something like that. Madame wore that shirt today…you know, the white one? Someone needs to tell her that she's giving the boys ideas… ZEXION IS SO EMO! (giggles) I luff Cloud and Leon (Squall) too! I just beat KH II this weekend, so I'm totally stoked! Now to go beat KH I…

**Wolf-blades-wings** – Yay! A button pusher!

**Anime Aquamarine** - …I will say this one more time…AKITO IS A GIRL! I love Zexion… (goes to find a Zexion plushie somewheres)

**Anya Urameshi** – Squee! Me luvs Kurama!

**Sangorulz** – YAY! You really think so? Go read Those Crazy Obelisks and tell me what you think! W00T! Someone else who agrees with me! That entire scene was based off of an ongoing argument that I'm having with my friends. The anime obsessed ones, anyway.

**Extric** – (throws cookie)

**TFRiD Queen** – You have never had art at Odle, my friend…

JJ: Eeks! I'm being pursued by reviewers with pitchforks!

Alexis: You wrote that she was a he.

JJ: So?

Alexis: Most people are rather offended when that happens…

JJ: Bunnies.

Alexis: What?

JJ: Oh, sorry, I'm on a Furuba fic high. Anyway, do we even have a narrator for this chapter?

Alexis: I can't remember…did you ever recruit one?

JJ: Maybe not. I can't remember either.

Alexis: …

JJ: Maybe I should do a Furuba in kindergarten story…

Alexis: Get back on topic! It's chapter six and WE DON'T HAVE A BLOODY NARRATOR!

JJ: Sheesh!

Chazz: GET ME OUTTA HERE!

JJ: No! I'm making a narrator collection! You stay in there with Chazz and Bastion and Jaden and Lawyerbot!

Bastion: Lawyerbot just warned me that wreaths can be poky.

JJ: ARGH! Okay, the narrator for this chapter is…is…uh…Momiji!

Alexis: WRONG FANDOM JJ!

JJ: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE! WE GO LIVE IN ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS!

Alexis: Good point. Okay, on with the chapter.

Momiji: Yay! What am I doing here again?

All: …

Disclaimer: JJ doesn't own YuGiOH! GX, Furuba, Harry Potter, POTC, or any other thing that you care to mention. This story is just the ramblings of a clinically insane mind. Thank you, and have a nice day.

---

Ahem. Is it on? Ow! Ha'ri, JJ's hurting me! Oh fine!

**Chapter Six: The Chapter That Exploded**

What kind of a title is that? Ow, okay, okay!

The day began with a scream. Not just any scream, though. It was one of those screams that echoes in a crowded room. In short—a really, really loud scream. Completely unsurprisingly, Atticus was the source of this scream to end all screams. "WHO THE **CENSORED** SIGNED ME UP FOR FRENCH?"

Two buildings away and one floor sown, Connie woke up and wondered briefly if the cult on the floor below her was sacrificing a pig again. Realizing that it was Atticus, she groaned and made plans to kill him later.

Zane, on the other hand, decided to forego the 'later' for the 'now.' So, at exactly 3:01 AM, he seized the empty fire extinguisher that had been on the floor for the past four chapters and stormed next door to Atticus' room. He found Atticus staring at his PDA, yelling something about 'French Class' and 'Social Injustices.'

"Atticus! Do you have any idea what time it is?" he asked, raising the fire extinguisher threateningly. Atticus turned to face him.

"Do you not understand the injustice that has been perpetrated here?" he yelled, bloodshot eyes wide.

"DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT SOME OF US NEED SLEEP?" Zane yelled.

"I can't take French!" Atticus said.

"Can we discuss this at a more appropriate time? Oh, say, how about in FOUR HOURS?" Zane bellowed.

"I'm too young to die!"

Grumbling, Zane stomped out of the room and was met with a sight that he would never ever like to see in a dark alley. Kristina was half asleep, sugar high, and holding a giant war axe. Her hair was a mess, her makeup was blotchy, and she was **mad**. "He's in there," he said, jerking his thumb towards the open door. Smiling, he went back to his own room and fell asleep to the soothing sounds of snapping bones and Atticus' screams of pain.

Later at breakfast, no one talked much. Connie was facedown in her pancakes. James was attempting to eat tapioca pudding, but the spoon kept ending up in either his ear or his eye. Kristina had snuck into the Obelisk dining hall, but instead of attempting to eat like everyone else, she was attempting to snort Pixy Stix and muttering something about pancakes and ducks. Atticus had stumbled downstairs ten minutes late, one arm in a sling. He sat down as far away from Kristina as he could, meaning that he ended up facing her across the table. She didn't even look up, choosing instead to continue to snort her Pixy Stik and accidentally lodging two or three peas up her nose that had rolled off of Zane's plate. She didn't notice, and probably wouldn't until her next x-ray. Or she'd notice when she next sneezed and a bunch of peas came out. Actually, she probably wouldn't care. You never knew with Kristina.

"French…" muttered Atticus. "…noo…THE HORROR!" He screamed the last part out loud.

I see why…German so totally pwns French!

Kristina shot straight upright, screamed "DUCKS!" and resumed snorting sugar. James started and got the tapioca spoon stuck to his forehead, didn't notice, and continued to attempt to spoon tapioca into his mouth, which failed miserably. Connie mumbled something that was thankfully unintelligible, and moved her forehead into a pile of blackberry jam. Zane flung a spoonful of peas in Atticus' general direction and hit James in the eye. He screamed in pain, fell over backwards and accidentally hit a switch under his chair, which detonated a bomb in the kitchen. A two-mile high spout of chicken noodle soup shot into the sky over Duel Academy, taking three crows and a pig along for the ride. The tower of soup smashed down onto the Slifer Red dorms, turning it a lovely puke color.

Absolutely no one noticed. They were all too tired to care. Only one bewildered pig and three extremely bewildered birds knew what had happened. But they weren't exactly able to tell anyone.

"Atticus, why must you do these things?" Zane asked. Atticus grumbled something in response.

Yaay! Scene change!

French class also began with a scream. As had Math class, LA/SS, Health, and every other class that you cared to mention. These screams were always of the 'echo in crowded room' variety, always came from Atticus, and were always responded to with physical violence. Sleepy, drugged physical violence. They were also always about French, except for Health, which was a different matter entirely. They were studying sexual education that semester.

The only good side to the sleepiness that the entire school was currently slogging through was that the teachers were all too tired to give out any homework. Unfortunately, they were all too tired to appreciate this reprieve.

By French, though, they were all up and running. Atticus had gotten twelve consecutive detentions, all of them after school, three broken limbs (courtesy of Kristina and Connie), and had a strange version of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" stuck in his head.

"On the fourth day of Christmas, Sloth's minions gave to me:

Four hyper meepits

Three angry Sammis

Two stupid fanfics

And a netbattle fought in a treee!

So on the fifth day I closed the doooor!"

Sammi, having heard this for the four hundred and fifty-seventh time since lunch, had quickly grown tired of it. She stalked over to Atticus and began beating him soundly over the head with her French notebook.

French class at Duel Academy had a long-lasting reputation of being the most chaotic of all the classes. This was quickly proved as a paper airplane nested itself in Zane's hair. Grumbling, he pulled it out, crumpled it up and flung it over his shoulder. It hit Kayla in the ear, who spun around looking for the source of the thrown object. Zane ducked down so that she wouldn't see him, and her eyes landed on James. "You!" she screamed. "Prepare to die!" James let out a very un-manly scream, vaulted the row of desks, and landed on the floor with a splat. Kayla chased him around and around the center dias, screaming unintelligible phrases at him. James was yelling something along the lines of,

"Noo! Grande brute!" and "Espèce de misogyne!" In the middle of all of this was the poor professor, Madame…Thingy, hereafter referred to as Madame. The oldest teacher in the school, she was, well…old. She was nice though.

Back on topic, the room was in chaos. Kayla was attempting to murder James for something that Zane had done. Kristina was on a sugar high, and was running through the Obelisk seats, screaming "The pancakes and ducks demand sacrifice!" In the corner, the aforementioned cult was indeed sacrificing a pig over a bonfire. They were all wearing black hooded cloaks, banging sticks on the floor and chanting,

"Go, go, go, go…" and so on and so forth. Connie was in the corner with the meepits icing a very nice birthday cake with rainbow frosting. For some unknown reason, there was a lion under the desk. Atticus was humming loudly, and poor Madame stood there in the middle of it all, wondering why she'd come out of retirement to teach French at a school for teenage duelists.

"Attention class!" she said into a microphone. When that failed, she screamed, "OKAY, THAT IS IT! IF YOU DON'T CALM DOWN RIGHT THIS INSTANT, I'LL CALL THE MARY SUES! CAPISCHE?"

The class shut up.

Even with the threat of Mary Sues hanging over his head, Zane rather enjoyed himself. Madame was rather "technologically challenged," so every five minute period usually ended with her kicking the computer and swearing at it in French. Connie was under the impression that she was in Spanish class, to Madame's complete confusion. Atticus didn't know any French whatsoever, so whenever he said anything it was with an absolutely atrocious accent. James had a black eye from his beating, and had apparently suffered some brain damage, as he was running around in circles playing "Airplane." The cult in the corner had finished with their pig and had moved on to sacrificing little bunnies, which your narrator highly disapproves of.

Your narrator is now in horrible pain. Thank you JJ. Sheesh.

"Okay, class! Today, we'll be watching a movie! It's rated G in Quebec, but would most likely be rated R or X anywhere else!" Madame squealed happily. Zane blinked.

_Oh god._

"Whee!" said James.

"I'm Connie!" said Connie, bouncing in her chair.

"No!" said Madame. "It's _Je m'appelle Connie_!"

"No comprendo." said Connie.

"No comprendo? I'll show you 'no comprendo!'" yelled Kristina randomly. Connie choked on her muffin that hasn't ever been mentioned before. Connie likes muffins.

"Kristina! I thought I cut you off of Veggie Tales!" said Julia.

"You forgot my iPod." said Kristina smugly.

"**CENSORED!**" said Julia.

"Emma!" said Madame. "At least say that in French if you're going to talk like that!"

"Fine. **CENSORED!**"

"That's much better."

"Madame?" asked Atticus.

"Yes?"

"Why is there a lion under my desk eating my backpack?"

"…"

oO Insert Scene Change Effects Here oO

"André! Sit down! Oh, Lucie! Are you all right? Emma, don't eat that! Oh, Anne, no! You're not supposed to eat the gum from under the desks! Juliette, put down the poor rabbit!" Madame was completely frazzled, running in circles trying to stop the spread of chaos. Unfortunately, Kayla had found the Pétanque set.

A metal ball buried itself in the wall alongside James' head. Kayla cackled evilly and looked around for another one. The wall around James was pitted and dented from Kayla's target practice. Fortunately, her aim was so bad that she hadn't actually hit him at all.

The authoress ran by with a yardstick yelling, "Ey, oh! Arrete! Put down the balls!"

After the authoress had been dragged back to her sick and twisted dimension, things calmed down a bit. The CIA appeared and hauled off the cult, Adam showed up and lured the meepits away with offerings of asparagus and juice, and the lion turned into a shiny green rock. Sora ran in, picked it up, and ran out again. The team of nurses finally managed to get Kayla sedated, and someone had dragged a traumatized, twitching James back to his seat. Finally, class started. Woo. Go Germaaaaow! JJ! Stop hurting me!

oO Insert Scene Change Effects Here oO

Okay, since this movie is so mentally scarring the authoress can't describe it for fear of fanfiction lawsuits. So, if you want to know what it's about, imagine the screams of thousands of tortured beings, and the sounds of guns, and the squelching of blood and guts and brains and—OW! Stop it! I was just telling them about it! Hey! That's mean!

Okay, and because the authoress wanted to get this up on time, we'll have to check back in with our poor heroes in chappie numero seven.

---

Alexis: JJ, that ending sucked.

JJ: I know. I'm so proud!

Alexis: Do we throw Momiji in there with the others?

JJ: Why not? (picks up Momiji and flings him in the closet)

Jaden: Lawyerbot just told me that T-Shirts can be dangerous…and that Candi likes candy a bit too much…

JJ: Okay, moving on!

Tune in next week people! Oh, and would somebody tell Julia and Krissi to read the story?

I GOT HIT WITH A ROCK IN VIDEO PRODUCTION! OOH, I'M SO MAD! (stomps around like Yurble janitor)

Uh…bye…see you all next week…

Momiji: HEELP!

JJ: Oh, hush! Kyo'll be joining you next week!

Julia: WHAT?

JJ: I think I need to run now.


	7. The Chapter That Was Really, Really Late

Okay, okay, so you guys know the drill, right? I hope so.

**Sangorulz**

(sighs) I still can't spell your name properly…oh well! (skips off happily) Yeah, well…(searches for excuse) I was a bit rushed! (shifty eyes)

**haruko sohma**

Finally, someone who agrees with me!

**SadomasochisticBloodLust**

OKAY, are you SURE that you aren't Kayla in disguise? Okay, Shrilanka-san is the author of Those Crazy Obelisks, There's Something About Marik, Ice White…(rambles) And a Mary Sue is a character that is so perfectly perfect that they couldn't possibly be any more perfect. Got it memorized?

**Purple-Fairy93**

Okay, all you people are starting to sound like my friends…

**apatheticfire**

(whacks) AKITO IS A GIRL! And Zexion is emo.

Kayla, do you remember when James played the little girl in French class? It was a joke about how James isn't a girl. Yes, Atticus is like Griffin.

Andy played airplane at Hannah's bat mitzvah. Hmm…I _think_ Kyo's narrating. I ran out of GX narrators, okay?

Peter hit me with a rock during video production while we were filming. If you listen closely to the final video you can hear a muffled yell of pain.

(groans) Okay, Kayla, with your slash comments in your reviews, you've prompted one person to PM me asking if the story was going to swing that way. It might happen at the end of this chapter, I usually write the review replies before I even finish the chapter.

And Shrilanka-san likes your character.

Wolf-blades-wings

(shifty eyes) Possibly…

AARGH! Sophie! (smashes around like Foreman Bob)

Shrilanka-san

(squeals like deranged fangirl and faints)

(looks at chapter 1 of each story) ACK! (spins in circles) HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? Uh…sorry about that…if you want me to rewrite it I will…

The sad thing is that Kristina really does act like that.

My French teacher has this bizarre habit of accidentally teaching us vulgar words/phrases in the middle of a lesson on trains.

Anya Urameshi

oO

(backs away slowly)

Um…how many people are in that closet?

Extric

Here you go!

**lakotalover**

Death to pink!

-- You have a cat in your pants?

**princess.krissi**

Your character…died?

**TheNotSoEmoEmu**

Hi! Thanks for reviewing! Ah, I'm being spread around! Thank your friend for me!

**onlyhalfvampire**

Ah yes, the fire extinguisher. We will be seeing more of that in the next chapters.

**Kaisre**

Yep, Neopets. You're looking at a NeoNerd with a Mutant Lupe and a Snow Chomby. It's blizzardfaery if you're wondering. xD

**Gosurori**

Yeppers! Artemis Fowl was where I got that!

(hint hint) All these people… they're my friends in reality. Be afraid… be very afraid.

JJ: Okay, after those…inspirational (sweatdrops) reviews, we can start the chapter!

Alexis: We need more female narrators.

JJ: …well, that screws up what I wanted to do with this chapter.

Alexis: You could always bring in Kyo and someone else.

JJ: Nah. We don't have that much closet space.

Momiji: LAWYERBOT'S SCARING ME!

Chazz: YES, WE ALL KNOW THAT KNIVES ARE DANGEROUS!

Jaden: Cheese, anyone?

Bastion: Where'd you get cheese?

Jaden: It was in JJ's backpack.

JJ: Jaden, you might not want to eat that.

Alexis: What is a lump of cheese doing in your backpack anyway?

JJ: It's Gouda.

Alexis: No. Just…no.

JJ: Would you rather it was Camembert?

Bastion: Just stop now.

JJ: Well, moving on, maybe I should introduce our new narrator. Due to circumstances beyond my control (coughJuliacough), this chapter's narrator is the generic annoying third person narrator. And I had to let Momiji out of the closet.

Alexis: Thank god.

Disclaimer: As long as there is a merciful god in the heavens, JJ will never own YuGiOh GX, Kingdom Hearts, Charlie the Unicorn, or any of the strange things that manage to find their way into this fic.

---

**Chapter 7: Halloween**

Privately, Zane felt that he was lucky to have escaped French class with his sanity intact. Most of the class hadn't been so lucky. Three girls had fainted, a couple guys had horrible nosebleeds, and Julia was staring at the wall, drooling and muttering perverse comments under her breath. For some unknown reason, James was doing a handstand on the desk.

Zane left the room rather quickly after the bell rang.

Just outside the door, he stopped and looked at his schedule in something that can only be described as pure horror. What was _that _doing there? Grumbling, he fished a pair of earplugs out of his pocket and stuck them in his ears just before Atticus screamed, "WHAT THE **CENSORED** IS HOME EC DOING ON MY **CENSORED** SCHEDULE?!"

Yep. Home Ec. Land of ovens, stoves, grease fires, and burning hair. Zane swore and began beating his head against a nearby wall.

**THUNK**

**THUNK**

**THUNK**

"Uh…Zane?" said Atticus.

**THUNK**

**THUNK**

**THUNK**

"Zane?"

**THUNK**

**THUNK**

**THUNK**

"ZANE!"

Zane looked up. "What?" he asked, looking over at Atticus. "Wait…just how much coffee did you have this morning?"

"Oh, I don't drink coffee!" Zane raised an eyebrow. Well, that certainly explained the twitching eye and the hyper speed talking. Not. Well, maybe it was the aftereffects of the French movie.

"What do you want, anyway?" Zane asked.

"Hey, Zane!" said Atticus, unnecessarily. "I was just on some random website—was it fanfiction .net?—and I found…" he paused dramatically.

Zane raised an eyebrow as only Zane could.

"…that we've been DUBBED!"

"Okay, no more Mountain Dew."

"I'M NOT KIDDING! The dubbers must have come around sometime before the fic started and dubbed us!"

"Atticus, we haven't been dubbed. The authoress made a fan fiction oath to accept no dubs! Okay, so, maybe she didn't, but come on!"

"I know we have!"

"Do we have any proof for this claim?"

"Yeppers! I just watched a YuGiOh GX marathon—in its original Japanese!—and found that my real name is…FUBUKI TENJOIN!"

oO

"YES!" screamed JJ. "My spelling skills are unrivaled! Oh, Zane, you have been dubbed. But, I mean, come on! Zane Truesdale is so much hotter than Ryo HoweverIt'sSpelled!"

At this point, the doctors arrived with a bigger needle.

oO

Zane blinked. "Okay, okay, we've been dubbed! Can we go to class now?"

There was a crash and a tinkle of broken glass.

"Fear not! I, the ANTI-DUBBER, shall save you from this horrible fate!" screamed some random sixteen-year-old girl in a frilly pink tutu and cowboy boots. There was another crash and another tinkle of broken glass.

"And I, the DUBBER, shall re-dub you!" screamed some random American businessman in a really dorky suit holding a pineapple blaster.

"No! I, the ANTI-DUBBER, shall eliminate you, you, you, FIEND!"

"And I, the DUBBER, shall beat you back to from whence you came!" And with that, the Anti-Dubber and the Dubber screamed war cries and began flinging pineapples at each other.

Zane and Atticus went to class.

oO exactly 3.1415926535 minutes later…oO

BA-BOOM!

"Atticus!" yelled the Home Ec teacher, Ms. Rivers. "Mixers do not work that way!"

"Mmph." said Atticus from underneath his coating of solidifying cake batter. Zane rolled his eyes. So far, Atticus had put salt in his ice cream and sugar on his potato, asploded a microwave oven, and dropped a ten-gallon pot of water on his big toe. On top of all of this, his assigned mixer had just turned into a ball of fire.

Across the room, Connie took a batch of muffins out of the oven. She skipped happily back to her workspace and began saran-wrapping them for the next class.

BANG!

"JAMES! What did you do this time?" yelled Mrs. Rivers while attempting to free Atticus from his cake batter prison. Kristina answered her.

"His jello mold exploded! Man, I didn't know that lime jello could do that!" she yelled, looking over James' shoulder.

"Note to self…" James coughed. "Don't put string of firecrackers in lime jello ever again."

"Hey!" said Kristina. "Are these firecrackers?"

"Oh god." said Julia.

"Kristina, you moron!" screamed Sammi. "You lit the room on fire!"

A pineapple flew through the window and hit James on the head.

"FEAR NOT!" screamed the Anti-Dubber. "I, the ANTI-DUBBER, will save you from this horrible fate!" And with that, the Anti-Dubber began flinging pineapples at the fire. This didn't really work since they caught on fire themselves and just made the blaze bigger. Someone had enough sense to drag Kristina away from the fire (she was staring at it and muttering "Pretty Colors…").

**We Now Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Fanfic for This Important Announcement.**

"Uh… hi!" said JJ. "Just so you all know, the fact that I haven't updated in like three months doesn't mean that I'm dead. So, for your reading pleasure, a rather long chapter. The next one is shaping up to be REALLY long at the mo'! READ IT OR PERISH!"

At this point, those doctors came back with a bigger needle.

**We Now Return to Your Regularly Scheduled Fanfic Because the Only Thing of Interest Here is JJ Getting Chased by Psychiatrists. Thank You for Your Cooperation.**

A second pineapple flew through the window. This one hit James in the stomach.

"FEAR NOT!" screamed the Dubber. "I, the DUBBER, will save you from this horrible fate!" He too began flinging more pineapples at the fire. Those caught fire as well.

"HEY!" screamed the Anti-Dubber. "I'm saving them!" The Dubber stuck out his tongue.

"No, I'M saving them."

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

Zane rolled his eyes. Muttering about delusional lunatics, he yanked the fire extinguisher off of the wall and pointed it at the fire. The air filled with white smoke for a bit as he blasted the fire. The fire was out, but—

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

**FWOOSH!**

"Oh, great!" yelled the Anti-Dubber. "Look! The fire's out, and I didn't have the chance to do my N1NJ4 POW4H move!"

"Hey, girlie!" screamed Kristina. "Schmoopy-poo saving is MY department!"

"Oh dear lord. She's given you a nickname." said Sammi.

Zane sneezed. Everyone looked pointedly at Kristina. Thirty seconds later, Zane and Atticus both sneezed. Everyone looked at Kayla. Zane and Atticus looked at each other, shuddered, and scooted six extra inches away from each other. Connie then ran across the room screaming, "ALL HAIL THE MUFFIN PRINCESS!" That broke the silence, and the rest of the class broke into whispers as they tried to comprehend the sheer amount of cleaning they would need to do.

Here's a little synopsis of the Home-Ec room:

- Cake batter on the floor

- A dead slug hanging from the ceiling

- What looked like lipstick on the counter

- A pig carcass on the center table

- And last, but certainly not least…Atticus.

Kayla took the opportunity to fling James out of the broken window.

oO later that night oO

_Duel Academy, Day 4_

_Got through even more classes today. Atticus also proved that his idiocy knows no bounds. How did he and James get into Obelisk Blue anyway? Connie has shown a new love of muffins. Kristina and Kayla need to control their minds. Just…ew. There is a disturbing number of idiots in this school. The fact that James put firecrackers in his jello mold should be proof enough. Day 4 of captivity, and I can safely say that my outlook on life has not improved by a single iota. In fact, it may have decreased by several notches. The fact that I appear to already have a legion of fangirls doesn't help this at all. Must remember to idiot-proof down. This means installing an electric fence or something. Can one get a permit to do dorm reconstruction, I wonder?_

_Zane Trusdale_

As Zane wrote that fateful paragraph in his diary—ahem, journal—, the door swung open and hit the wall with a tremendous crash. Zane had just enough time to say "Oh, crud" before several colorful blurs sprinted through the open door. Zane found himself squished flat under Atticus, who for some reason was jumping down on his stomach.

"Hey, Zane! Hey, Zane, wake up!"

"Oh god. It's you. Now quit bouncing on me!"

"Come on Zane, we're going to go on an adventure! We're going on an adventure, Zane!"

"Get off of—did you just say 'we'?"

"Yeah, Zane! You, and me, and Kristina, and Kayla, and Julia, and Sammi, and James, and Connie, and me!"

Zane looked up in horror. Sure enough, there were the aforementioned people. For some reason, Julia and Sammi were each tied to a pole by their hands and feet and wore gags. They didn't look too happy. "By 'we,' do you mean 'me' and the rest of 'you'?"

"Yep!" Atticus chirped.

"Did your mother ever drop you on the head as a child?" Zane asked.

"Nooo!" said Atticus, still bouncing on Zane. "Of course not! Now come on Zane, we're going on an adventure!"

"Okay, fine! I'll go with you! Now GET OFF OF ME!"

"Okay, where is it that we're going exactly?" Zane asked, trailing after the small group. Kristina patted him on the head.

"Silly Zane! We found a map! To Candy Mountain!" Julia chucked a pebble at her sister (she and Sammi had pulled a Houdini and untied themselves). It bounced off the back of her head. And then, for some inexplicable reason, she began singing. As did everyone else.

"La la la la la, la la la la la…!"

"Enough with the singing already!" Zane yelled.

"Oh God. What is that?" **That** was a large, blue, many clawed…thing.

"It's a leoplurodon, Zane!" said Kayla. "A magical leoplurodon!"

"Okay, guys, you do know that there's no actual Candy Mountain, right?"

"Shun the nonbeliever!" yelled James.

"Shuuuuuun!" agreed Atticus.

"Shuuuuuu-nuh!" squealed Connie.

"Yeah," sighed Zane.

Suddenly, the leoplurodon made a noise akin to that of Atticus singing in the shower. Actually, Zane thought that it really was Atticus until he noticed that the leoplurodon was thrashing around in what looked like death throes. "It has spoken!" proclaimed Atticus.

"It has told us the way," said Connie. The group skipped happily off—Sammi and Julia included—with stupid grins on their faces. Zane stood there, bewildered.

"It didn't say anything!"

Five minutes later, Zane wished he hadn't tagged along. He was on a bridge. Not the nice safe kind made of concrete and fiberglass that's a whole three feet above the ground. No, this was an ancient rickety wood-and-rope bridge that was dangling over a fifty-foot deep (and about as wide) chasm. Zane and the rest were in the center of it, and the entire thing was being blown around like a leaf in a hurricane. Zane staggered as the entire bridge shuddered. "It's just over this bridge Zane!" called Connie as the bridge jolted sickeningly and made a loud cracking noise. "This magical bridge! Of hope and wonder!" she yelled. Zane swore he could hear the ropes snapping.

"Okay, is anyone else getting, like, totally covered in splinters?" Zane asked, lifting a hand and wincing while brushing several splinters out of it. "Seriously guys. We shouldn't be on this thing."

"Zane…" said Connie. "Zane…Zane…Za—"

"I'M RIGHT HERE, WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Zane bellowed, partly out of frustration and partly out of the fact that the plank he was standing on had just creaked ominously.

"We're on a bridge, Zane!" chirped Connie.

Zane felt his sanity slowly slipping though his fingers.

Five minutes late, a reborn Zane ended up in some random clearing. Not 'reborn' as in running around in a speedo and swimming with dolphins. No, this Zane had a new view on life, the universe, and everything: _It sucks_.

Zane trudged along behind the happy mob, feeling very depressed. The last time he'd listened to an idiotic idea like this, he'd ended up bungee jumping off of a fifty-foot cliff into the ocean. Without any bungee cords. As the group walked though the woods, Zane tore himself out of misery long enough to notice that weird things were happening. The woods around them had turned first blue, than brown. He swore he saw several ghost meepits flying around. He really didn't see them since he tripped over a vine and careened headlong into James. Which then gave a whole new meaning to the term "domino effect." Connie struggled up out of the mosh pit. "LOOK!" she shrieked. "We're here!" They were in the darkest and creepiest part of the woods. And right smack in the center of his field of vision was a large violently pink pile of candy with a cave in it. Appropriately enough, there was a banner across the top that said "Candy Mountain" in large red letters. And then, to Zane's complete and utter horror, the letters C-A-N-D and Y suddenly came to life. And started singing.

_Oh, when you're down and looking for some cheering up_

_Then just head right on up to the Candy Mountain Cave_

_When you get inside you'll find yourself a cheery land_

_Such a happy and joyful and perky merry land_

_They've got lollipops and gummy drops and candy things_

_Oh so many things that will brighten up your day_

_It's impossible to wear a frown in Candy Town _

_It's the mecca of love the candy cave_

_They've got jellybeans and coconuts with little hats_

_Candy wraps, choco bats, it's a wonderland of sweets_

_Ride the candy train to town and hear the candy band_

_Candy bells, it's a treat as they march across the land_

_Cheery ribbons stream across the sky into the ground_

_Turn around, it astounds, it's the dancing candy tree_

_In the candy cave imagination runs so free_

_So now Zane please will you go into the cave_

BOOM

"Okay, fine, I'll go into the freaking candy cave!" yelled Zane. He was fed up with the entire thing, and his hair was singed. He liked his hair. He walked up to the cave, and got closer… and closer… and closer…

It was at that moment that he noticed the small "occupied" sign floating over the entrance to the cave. Which, upon closer inspection, was actually a door. The door creaked and began to open…

"Hi! I'm Crystal! I love you!" shrieked the Mary Sue.

"You look familiar." said James.

"MARY SUE!" screamed Atticus.

"Reeeally familiar." Said James.

"She's back!" yelled Sammi.

"NARUTO AND SASUKE FOREVER!" yelled Kayla. Julia nodded wisely.

"Have I seen you somewhere before?" asked James.

"HARRY POTTER AND DRACO MALFOY FOREVER!" screamed Julia.

"Naruto/Sasuke!" said Kayla.

"Harry/Draco!" said Julia.

"I know!" said James. "You work at Pizza Hut, don't you?"

"Narusasu!"

"HPDM!"

"Yay!" yelled Connie, flinging her laptop in the air. "I got a faerie pteri!"

"I have officially lost all faith in the human race." said Zane. Everyone ignored him.

"I LOVE YOU!" screamed Crystal, tacklehuggleglomping Zane.

"Maybe you don't work at Pizza Hut," said James.

"Choking…" said Zane.

"I've got it!" exclaimed Kayla. "A crossover!"

"BRILLIANT!" yelled Julia.

"Still choking!" bellowed Zane.

"Darling!" said Crystal.

"You drive the school bus don't you?" asked James.

"HELP!" screamed Zane. Sammi ran over and bashed Crystal on the head with her plastic toy hammer of doom.

"Take that, creature from the black lagoon!" yelled Sammi.

"YAY!" yelled Atticus, flinging confetti in the air.

"Okay, guys, that's it! We're leaving!" bellowed Zane.

Everyone ignored him.

He yelled a little louder.

Everyone still ignored him.

He yelled until the veins in his eyes were bulging out and he looked like he was using the Byakugan.

Connie's laptop hit him in the head.

_That's IT!_ he thought, mentally listing all the ways he could think of to blow up the laptop. Grumbling, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a packet labeled **Idiotnip**, and below that, **He Who Controls the Idiotnip, Controls the Idiots**. Grinning, he shook the packet like catnip. The effect was instantaneous. Within seconds, the entire group surrounded him, looking hungrily at the Idiotnip. Whistling, Zane headed back in the direction of Duel Academy, ignoring the woozy Mary Sue who was staggering along after him and the large pack of idiots following his every move.

---

JJ: Welp, that's the conclusion to our latest chapter! I'm really, really sorry that it took me so long to update! Between blizzards, power outages, groundings, broken computers, and homework, it's taken me several months to be able to type this up! I'm really, really sorry about that, and I hope that you all forgive me! I'm working on the latest chapter as we speak, and I hope to get it up sometime this month. The new semester just started at school, and I moved from an LA/SS teacher who gives easy tests to an LA/SS teacher who inspired the famous "Dead Burke" picture on the wall.

Alexis: (sighs) What she really means is that since she's failing HIAG 2, she can't afford to fail another class. So the fanfic comes second to school at the moment.

JJ: Plus, high school registration is here, and I'm really stressed what with figuring out how the heck to fill out all of the forms they've given me.

Jaden: LET ME OUT!!!

JJ: Er, yeah, well, we hope to see you next time!


	8. DANCSPGWHBWUIDBST

Hey all! I've finally been able to get this fic up and running! As some of you know (aka those of you who read my other fanfic, Of Books and Ice Cubes) I was in France for a week without an internet connection. Since I got back, I've been scrambling to get everything typed up so that I can appease the mighty updating gods. I'd rather not repeat the stapling gun incident from the last update, so… (grovels) please don't kill meee!

Since I know that most of you don't read this part anyway, let's just get right to the fic!

Disclaimer: I once made the mistake of proclaiming that I owned the YuGiOh universe. Then I was attacked. By about 5 thousand Kuribohs. Which then exploded.

---

Once again, we return to Duel Academy, where our hero searches for that one rare quality in a human being: intelligence.

Wow, that's a really sucky beginning for a chapter in a humor fic! Let's try this!

"OOGA OOGA OOGA!" screamed Atticus as he ran down the hall wearing a bedsheet toga.

Inside Zane's evil lair—I mean, uh, bedroom—the clock changed to exactly 2:01 AM. Grumbling, Zane pulled a pillow back over his head and went to sleep. Exactly 35.215 seconds later, Atticus burst into the room, flinging the door wide open and putting yet another dent in the plaster wall behind it. "G'morning Zane!" he yelled, springing onto the bed to yell in Zane's ear. "Byootiful morning, isn't it? Have you had your daily dose of sugar today? D'you ever feel like there's little green men that live inside your brain and control your thoughts? I like pie! D'you like pie? I like pie. This place smells like strawberries. I hate strawberries! They're ebil! EBIL I SAY! Plus, they're the only fruit in the world with the seeds on the outside! That's so weird! Does that make them naked? DEATH TO POMEGRANATES!"

Zane said a word that could be considered rude in some cultures and attempted to smother Atticus with his pillow. In doing so, he managed to hit the power button on the TV remote. Obviously enough—you people do know how a TV works don't you?—the TV turned on. Big whoop.

"Hello. Welcome to the Duel Academy News Channel for Self-Proclaimed Geniuses Who Have Been Woken Up at 2:01 AM by an Idiot Dressed in a Bed Sheet Toga," said an extremely serious reporter standing in front of one of those high tech backdrop things. "This morning's story is one of drama, loss, and heartbreak. It is the story… of Raymond the pencil." Zane blinked. Atticus made a strange noise. The news reporter went on. "And now, here's Rachel with the news." The image on the screen switched to a teenage girl in an Obelisk Blue uniform, standing in front of the Obelisk Blue girls dorm room.

"Today was shaping up to be another ordinary day here at Duel Academy. But a tragedy has marred this day forever. Raymond the pencil, beloved essay writer, was found in splinters on the floor earlier this morning. All signs and clues currently point to Mr. Snuggles the cat, who lives in the same room. Katie, the proud owner of Raymond, will be holding a funeral this afternoon. Donations toward a new pencil are appreciated."

Zane was on the verge of attempting to strangle himself with his own pillow.

"Thank you Rachel," said the still-genderless news reporter. "In other news, James has failed his 999th test of his school career! Only one more test to go until he reaches his goal of one thousand failed tests! Come on James, we're all rooting for you!"

Two floors down, James sneezed.

The camera switched back to Rachel.

"Good luck James! On another note, a monumental event took place at the Ra Yellow dorms yesterday afternoon. Kristina Johnson, long known as "The Girl With Too Much Makeup," has actually thrown out half of her makeup, "thrown out" here having the meaning of "dumped in the bay in front of the Ra Yellow dorms." This amount is estimated to be a little more than ten pounds, and Chancellor Sheppard expects environmentalists to be calling the school within the week due to the large amounts of toxic chemicals that have now been released into the ocean."

The scene switched to the multitudes of dead fish floating in the bay in front of the Ra Yellow dorms.

"Kristina has been quoted as saying, 'For Christmas, get me anything _but_ makeup,' which her close friends have interpreted to mean, 'If you get me makeup for Christmas, I'll rip your spleen out through your throat."

Zane's eye twitched. Atticus had mysteriously fallen silent.

"Okay, that's enough of that!" Zane exclaimed, lunging for the remote and slamming down the power button. The news clicked off just in time. Rachel was about to go in depth on the Driver's Ed deaths of the day.

Zane turned to Atticus. "Okay, you," he said, dumping Atticus unceremonially off the bed. "You go back to bed. Now."

"I never went to bed in the first place!" said Atticus.

"How—no, wait, I don't even want to know, considering your track record," Zane groaned. "Just go away."

"Why should I?"

Zane smirked. "If you don't leave and let me sleep, I'll call Kristina."

The look of horror on Atticus' face was the only answer he needed.

oO somewhere else… Oo

"It's… THANKSGIVING!" screamed Julia, hopping around with the usual tinfoil hat perched precariously on her head. "And Thanksgiving means food! And fudge! And lefse! And krumkaka! WOO!" she yelled, running in circles around her sister, who appeared to be going through her emo phase. "And turkey, and gravy, and stuffing, and—"

"I don't suppose that telling you to shut up would have any effect, would it?" asked said emo-y sister.

"NOPE!" shrieked Julia, skipping merrily in circles.

"MUFFINS!" shrieked Connie, running into the scene clutching her laptop.

Kayla walked in, clutching the usual assortment of pointy objects and controlled substances. She took one look at the scene—Julia had begun flinging flower petals—pulled out the latest Naruto book, and sat down on a nearby bench to wait out the happiness.

And now, we leave this pointless scene and go to another pointless scene.

"ATTICUS!" screamed an extremely irate Zane as he chased after the bed sheet-toga-wearing idiot. "GIVE ME BACK MY PANTS!"

"NEVER!"

Every fangirl within a one mile radius fainted.

Erm…let's go back to that first pointless scene.

Okay, so we return to the first pointless scene where Julia was skipping around in circles waving little Thanksgiving flags.

"ATTICUS! GIVE ME BACK MY PANTS!"

Julia was no longer skipping around waving little Thanksgiving flags. Kayla had this strange dreamy look on her face, Kristina was facedown on the ground, and Connie was choking on her muffin. A moment later, James stumbled dazedly over looking as though he'd been prodded with a tazer, and Sammi ran past them screaming, "I forgot to do my vocab packet!"

At this point, JJ also remembered that she hadn't done hers either.

Anyway, females and males alike were going into similar states of shock, horror, and other assorted emotions.

"I AM NOT WEARING A BED SHEET TOGA TO CLASS!"

James sighed in relief. "Good, it's just the toga thing."

"The… toga… thing?" asked Sammi, her eye twitching.

"It's tradition. In the Obelisk Blue boys dorm, freshmen are initiated by being forced to wear togas to class," he explained.

"Several people died of internal hemorrhage when James took his turn," Connie commented dryly.

"HEY!" yelled James.

"It's true," said Connie smugly. "You didn't shave that day."

He turned a color reminiscent of a tomato. Julia fainted. The weird grin remained stuck to Kayla's face, and she looked similar to Kakashi reading the latest Icha Icha Paradise novel.

Let's go back to that first pointless scene. This one's scaring me.

Our intrepid hero (aka Zane) had finally managed to retrieve his uniform from the clutches of the bed sheet-toga-wearing idiot. Go figure. Unfortunately, they now didn't know what to do with themselves. In other words, they were bored. Really, really bored.

"Now what?" asked Atticus, pacing. Zane had convinced him to ditch the toga and put his uniform back on.

"Whatever your idea is, no," said Zane, staring out the window like the brooding emo guy that he is.

"I know!" exclaimed Atticus. "Let's watch the news!" He lunged for the remote.

"Hello, and welcome back to the Duel Academy News Channel for Self-Proclaimed Geniuses Who Have Been Woken Up at 2:01 AM by an Idiot Dressed in a Bed Sheet Toga (DANCSPGWHBWUIDBST)," said the genderless news anchor.

"Fangirls everywhere fainted just a moment ago after a very loud outburst from the Obelisk Blue boys dorm. Here's Rachel, with more on this disturbing event."

"I'm here live in front of the Obelisk Blue dorms rooms. About two minutes ago, Zane Truesdale was heard to scream, 'Atticus, give me back my pants.' The matter has been investigated, and it was only the toga thing."

"Thank you Rachel, for that fascinating coverage," said the still-genderless news anchor. A bright light flashed and suddenly s/he was buried under a mountain of ticker tape and faxes. "EDDIE!" the genderless news anchor screamed.

"Sorry about that!" said an overly cheery computerized voice. "But I am pleased to tell you that you have a fax!"

"I couldn't tell," grumbled the news anchor. S/he shifted through the pile of papers and yanked one out. "Ahem. Zane Truesdale and Atticus Rhodes are supposed to go to Julia's scene because the authoress is running out of ideas for this one. Thank you."

Zane and Atticus blinked.

"Welp, let's go then!" said Atticus, bunny-hopping out of the scene.

"I really should have done a background check on this school," muttered Zane before walking out.

"Hi guys!" shrieked Atticus, skipping happily into the scene. Kayla chucked a shuriken at him. "OW!" he bellowed, clutching his foot. He seized the shuriken and flung it over his shoulder.

"MY EYE!" screamed some random person from offscene.

"What was that for?"

"YOU ARE HAPPY!" screeched Kayla. "There is no happiness without Naruto! Naruto rules all!" she screamed. Connie threw her laptop at Kayla.

"Neopets pwns!"

"Naruto pwns! Gaara pwns! NEJI IS A HOT JERK!"

"I hate to break up the love fest," Zane commented, wandering into the scene. Atticus walked into a nearby pole and fell to the ground with a thud. "Don't we have class today?"

"No," said Sammi, shaking her head. "It's Thanksgiving. Didn't you see Julia's happy dance?"

Zane slowly shook his head. "No… all I see is Kristina facedown on the concrete and Kayla and Connie about to kill each other."

Sammi looked over at Kayla and Connie and rolled her eyes.

Connie grinned psychotically, rummaged around in her bag, and pulled out… A GRAPHING CALCULATOR!

"AUGH! THE BUTTON-NESS! IT BURNS!" screamed Kayla, shielding herself with her book. Julia wandered over, giggling like a six-year-old on Christmas morning. "Why are you so happy?" Kayla asked, bewildered.

"It's Thanksgiving! Lefse, here I come!"

"Okay, I don't mean to sound like a complete loser," said Zane, staring at Kristina's unconscious form, "but shouldn't we be doing something… worthwhile?"

"Don't worry," said Connie, "each dorm cooks its own Thanksgiving dinner, so you'll be really busy with that. James got hit on the head with a frying pan last year."

James clucked like a chicken.

Zane's opinion of life dropped several notches.

"Oh, don't worry!" said Connie cheerfully. "Nobody's ever died from Thanksgiving Day dinner! I mean, sure, they spent a few months in the hospital puking, but who really cares about that sort of thing?"

Idiot #2 ran past them with the dubber and the anti-dubber hot on his heels.

"TO BE, OR NOT TO BE!" screamed Idiot #2. "THAT IS THE QUESTION!"

oO in the Obelisk Blue kitchen Oo

"This is a turkey, right?" asked James, holding up the headless bird.

"Yep," said Zane.

"And this is the stuffing, right?" asked James, holding up a magazine with a pile of stuffing on the cover.

"Yep," said Zane, without looking.

"So I just shove it up here, right?"

"Yep—wait, what?" asked Zane, spinning around clutching his knife. He was rewarded with the sight of James attempting to shove the magazine up the turkey's butt. Zane groaned. _This might take a while._

"Atticus! Wood shavings are not an ingredient in stuffing! And neither is goat dung!"

"Oh!" said Atticus. "But then why does it look like woodchips and goat poo?"

"It… just does. Now get back to work! And no goat dung?"

Connie wandered into the kitchen, munching on her usual muffing. "So, how's it going?" she asked conversationally as Zane tried to cut up mushrooms, keep James away from the magazines, and get the goat dung away from Atticus all at once.

"Do you think that you could help out a little?" yelled Zane as Atticus screamed,

"POO FIGHT!" at the top of his lungs.

"Can't you cook?" he asked desperately.

"I can only cook muffins," said Connie, shaking her head. "Did you hear about a nuclear explosion on the new last year?"

"What?" asked Zane, temporarily unaware of the poo fight behind him. "You mean the one in the Pacific Ocean? Come to think of it, it was right… around… here…"

"Yeah. Let's just say that I was cooking dinner."

"Yay! A flashback!" yelled the anti-dubber.

oO somewhere in the depths of Connie's mind Oo

"Welcome to… PROFESSIONAL MONKEY WRESTLING!" yelled some random sports announcer standing in the middle of a wrestling ring. "Today's challengers are; in the west corner, that ten ton ball of hair, THE GORILLA! And, in the east corner, THE ORANGUTAN! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!"

oO somewhere _else_ in the depths of Connie's mind Oo

"Yay!" said Connie as she put the turkey in the oven. "That was the last thing I had to do! I'M FREE!" she screamed, throwing her arms skyward.

At that moment, for some inexplicable reason, the entire Obelisk Blue kitchen exploded around her.

oO somewhere _not_ in the depths of Connie's mind Oo

"O—okay then," said Zane, who was thoroughly disturbed.

"HELP MEE!" screamed Idiot #2 as he ran by with the dubber and the anti-dubber right behind him.

"Do we help him?" asked Connie, chewing on her muffin.

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeno," said Zane.

"Okay."

"NOOO! I DON'T WANT TO BE NAMED JOE!" screamed Idiot #2.

"It's better than Bob," said Idiot #1 glumly. Connie almost dropped her muffin. "He caught me," said Idiot #1 (now dubbed Bob) rather unnecessarily. Somehow, the anti-dubber managed to hear all of this, skipped over, and slammed Bob over the head with her pink plastic wand. He went down like a sack of potatoes. Atticus prodded him with a spear. Zane didn't want to know where he'd gotten a spear, but had to ask anyway.

"Oh, this? That nice cult in the corner gave it to me!"

Zane looked over. The aforementioned cult had lit another bonfire and appeared to be halfway through sacrificing James to the shonen-ai gods. He noticed that Kayla, Julia, and the authoress were among them.

"OI!" Zane bellowed, brandishing his knife in their general direction. "This is the fifth time today! Help make dinner, or GET OUT!"

Julia shrieked in anguish. Her tinfoil hat had fallen into the fire at James' feet. "NOOOO!" she sobbed, attempting to dive in after it. Connie groaned and gave a sharp yank to a rope attatched to the back of Julia's mustard yellow blazer. Julia flew back a good ten feet and landed on the floor with a thundering crash.

"I've been following her all day. She keeps losing her hat and then trying to throw herself into various fatal situations after it."

"Does anyone else feel like the authoress is just filling this scene with random jokes?" asked Sammi. Connie leapt about a foot in the air.

"GAH! Sammi! Where did you come from?"

"I was just dropped through the roof by a radioactive, earth bending badgermole. Rather nice guy, actually."

Connie's eye twitched. "Are you high off of Avatar or something?"

"No. But JJ is!"

Right about then, JJ decided that she was tired of filling up pages of her notebook with stupid jokes, and everyone in the scene found themselves flung through the space-time continuum to dinner, since JJ didn't want any more flaming chainsaws thrown at her head by angry reviewers (mainly Kayla). As such, our protagonists were hurled rather unceremoniously through what looked like the shadow realm (complete with shadows) and landed with a crash at the dinner table.

"Well," said Connie, poking her head up from under the table, "that was weird."

"I think I can see the light," James muttered from underneath a chair.

"I'm hungry," said Julia. "Where's Tinny?" She rummaged around in her pocket, before pulling out yet another tinfoil hat and smushing it down on top of her head. "That's better," she said happily, grabbing a plate and filling it (while avoiding the stuffing).

"Julia is one of a kind," Sammi remarked. "She's probably the only person here that can be flung through the time-space continuum and still be able to eat. Personally, I'm a little nauseous."

"If you're nauseous," Kayla remarked, "I'd hate to be Atticus or James right about now."

Connie turned slightly green. Kristina still hadn't made her dramatic appearance from under the pile of broken furniture, so Connie kicked a pile of chair legs unceremoniously out of the way to find her.

Kristina, unlike everyone else, had somehow managed to pick up a grand piano as she hurtled through the time-space continuum, cursing the authoress and her descendants for the next fifteen generations. Said grand piano had, of course, smashed when it hit the ground, spraying piano keys everywhere and lodging three in Dr. Crowler's left eye. Kristina herself, strangely enough, was nowhere in sight. Instead, a large pink mound of bubbles stood where she should have been. Connie poked one experimentally.

"It's… gum," she said dubiously.

"It's kind of like the Mars Rover," Zane remarked. "You know, how it deployed all of its airbags when it landed and formed a bubble-thing?"

"BUBBLES!" shrieked the bubble-gum mass. Zane's eye twitched as it began bouncing up and down, yelling "BUBBLES! BUBBLES! BUBBLES!" over and over.

"Yep," said Connie with an air of finality. "That's Kristina all right."

"How the heck did she do that?" Kayla asked, clutching an array of sharp pointy things.

"Well, she does usually have a pack or four of gum in her purse," Sammi commented.

"That's not normal."

"Well, she is your sister, Julia."

"THAT DOESN'T COUNT FOR MUCH!"

"Well," said Connie, "You're both completely insane, for one thing."

"I AM NOT INSANE!" screamed Julia, tinfoil hat falling over one eye, her visible eye twitching madly.

The mass of bubbles made a noise akin to that of the dump truck hitting the local paperboy. Or a dying fish.

"You know," remarked Sammi, "I heard an animal do that once, but then they rolled him over, and he was dead."

"DEATH?" said Kayla excitedly. "WHERE?"

Atticus groaned, and there was a gurgling noise.

Everyone made a point of looking away from him.

Zane sighed. "I vote we sit down and eat something, so the mass of complete morons will stop staring and go back to doing whatever it is they were doing before _somebody_"—here he shot a pointed glare at empty air—"decided to fling us through the time-space continuum!"

And with that final note, Zane sat down and reached for the food, ignoring Dr. Crowler's screams of pain, Ms. Fontaine's peals of laughter, and the fact that the-bubble-mass-that-was-actually-Kristina had begun running itself into nearby walls.

"Um, guys?" Julia asked. "How are we supposed to get her out of there?"

"Let's leave her in there a little while longer," Kayla said, grinning.

"Why?" Julia asked, confused.

"She just squashed Dr. Crowler, and boy does he look mad."

oO One Week Later Oo

The construction crews were never able to figure out what had caused the roof of the entire Obelisk Blue dorm to fly off. They decided, after seeing James fall from the third-story window and hearing someone begin laughing their head off that they really didn't want to find out.

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Well, I finally updated this thing! I'm really, really sorry about that! It's just that I have this other romance fic in the works (with an actual PLOT) and that kinda takes up more of my time. That, and after getting back from my trip, I was buried in a mound of stale homework that didn't do much for my sanity levels.

Well, I'll try to update this at some point, but I'm not sure when that'll be, so hang in there guys! I'm really, really sorry that it takes me so long to update sometimes. I can't help it! My teachers are evil, evil beings o'doom!


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